Crazy Go
by Het Up
Summary: The Flash's life hasn't been easy since his powers started cutting out on him. Maybe an easy witness protection assignment can turn things around. Not likely, when the witness is Harley Quinn. Chapter 16 up.
1. Prologue

Flash coughed and looked at his X-rays. Everyone else was.

J'onn was the only one talking, though. "My mental scans show that the disorder is not psychosomatic. Whatever the problem is, it's real."

"I have a _cough_," Wally protested. The rest of the original seven had gathered in the Watchtower's medical bay, which hardly ever happened these days… Them all being in the same spot, that meant things had to be bad. Wally missed the camaraderie of the old team. If J'onn was right, he might not be missing it for long.

"Wally, you've said your attempts to use the Speed Force have been sporadic…" Superman began, compassionate as ever.

"I had an off-day! It happens! I bet there are days when it takes two or three bounds to leap a tall building… and don't you start calling me Wally now. This is just a hiccup. That's all."

Wonder Woman stepped forward to put a consoling hand on his shoulder. Wally had the urge to forcibly shrug it off, but as always her touch calmed him. "We're sending your tests to STAR Labs. In the meantime, we should get some rest. One of us could keep you company…"

A thousand sleazy jokes about keeping company with Wondy and he couldn't think of one. Just as well, it would be suicide with Batman in the room. Flash finally found his voice.

"Look, you can't just tell me I might be dying and expect me to sit around here all day. Give me something to do. Clean the toilets, train the newbies… heck, I'll even do monitor duty. Anything to take my mind off the whazzits."

There was a long pause. No one had said dying before. Finally, Batman cleared his throat.

"Anything?"

* * *

Flash had never really picked up the finer points of piloting the Javelin, but on the flight down he finally let the little paper clip walk him through the tutorial. It turned out the Javelin had warmers in the cup holders to keep his coffee warm. Neat.

He landed outside Arkham and got that late-night Wes Craven feeling tingling down his spine. Not "produced by Wes Craven" either, old-school Freddy Krueger stuff. No wonder Bats was so grumpy all the time. If he were in the same county as this place, he must not get _any_ sleep.

Flash parked and got out. The first thing he noticed was the woman cheerily waving at him just outside the Asylum's gates… which, for the record, looked like they had been stolen off a Hammer movie backlot. She took off at him at a sprint and Flash almost braced himself for an attack, but before he knew it she had skidded to a stop and was pumping his hand in a throbbing handshake, up and down like an earthquake.

"Hey there, pleased to meetcha! I'm Dr. Harleen Quinzel, Ph. D in psychological aberrations… of the mind!" She smiled widely. "But you can call me Harley!"


	2. Led Zeppelin Rules!

Flash ditched the Javelin in Jump City. He didn't like the way Harley was looking at the flashing buttons anyway. It reminded him too much of himself before he blew up part of Wayne Manor. _Note to self: Remember, remember, remember not to tell Harley that Bruce Wayne is Batman._ He set the Javelin to return to the Watchtower on autopilot and dragged Harley out. He had everything he needed in the backpack he was lugging on his shoulders, just like back in college.

"There's no need to hold my hand. I'll go quietly. God, you're so pushy! Or do you have intimacy issues? There's no shame in needing to be touched."

Flash turned on his hologram. It made him look like an Eastern European soap opera star of the eighties in business casual wear. Harley stayed in her Arkham jumpsuit, which hopefully would pass for esoteric fashion this far east. Flash had seen weirder clothes at parties. He still couldn't believe they had invited him to the Oscars. Or how long it had been.

"I don't need to be touched. I went to the Oscars," Flash said haughtily.

"Betcha liked the musical numbers," Harley shot back.

"I did, as a matter of fact."

Flash felt the familiar tingle of the Speed Force returning. It felt like he could do anything, like time was a sucker that would never run dry on him. He felt like he had and could dance all night, like every pretty girl in the world was smiling at him, like he had just punched Vandal Savage right in his stupid fat face a hundred and a half times.

It was a pretty good feeling.

He picked up Harley. She let loose an outraged squeak before alternately pounding at his chest and rubbing it.

"I'm just going to take us to a safe place! Lose anyone who might be following us."

"You just wanna get me alone!"

"Yes, that's it exactly!"

"So you can have your way with me!"

"No, that's not it at all. Look, just hold still, alright?"

With a reluctant shudder, Harley did. They sped. The world a suddenly kaleidoscopic wind tunnel, Harley screaming with fright… like a kid on a roller coaster, arms wrapped around his neck and her legs around his waist… _how had that happened?_ The rush carried them into a hotel lobby, then an empty bathroom. Flash took off and unzipped his backpack.

"Okay, we can't have you running around in that. Take it off."

"You took me to a nudist colony? _Cool!_"

"No. And I've been to nudist colonies, I've saved nudist colonists. Everyone is nude!"

"Duh."

"Not just the pretty people."

"Oh. Ew."

Flash dug into his backpack until he found what he was looking for. "So, since we can't let you run around nude and we can't leave you in those, I brought some of my clothes for you to wear."

"Oh. Ew."

"I put them in the wash first!"

Flash threw her an old T-shirt and a pair of baggy jeans. Harley caught them both, unrolling the wadded-up shirt first. "'Led Zeppelin rules'?" she read.

"What? They do."

"I know, I just never needed a T-shirt to tell me that before." Harley unzipped her jumpsuit.

"Whoa, whoa…" Flash turned around. "Give a hero a little warning, next time."

"Whassa matter? Dontcha like girls?"

"I like ladies just fine."

"So maybe you're more of an ass-man?"

Flash heard further unzipping noises. "Could you please just get dressed before someone sees us?"

"Or maybe you like dick?"

There was another unzipping sound.

"You do not have a dick," Flash said resolutely, crossing his arms.

A rustle of fabric as a T-shirt was pulled on and jeans pulled up.

"I have you, don't I?"

Flash decided to meet that by being deliberately obtuse. "If you want a private eye, I could give Slam Bradley a call."

Harley shoved her old clothes into Flash's arms as she passed him. Flash picked a bra out of the mound of cloth.

"Tell me you had a change of underwear."

"They made me wear undies in the Asylum." Harley stretched gratuitously. Led Zeppelin had never ruled quite so much. "But now that I'm a free woman…"

"_Very_ free."

"I can go commando all I like."

Flash shoved the jumpsuit into his backpack. "I take it back. Those aren't my clothes. They're yours now."

"Score! Free Led Zeppelin T-shirt!"


	3. Gossip Girl

They checked into the prearranged hotel room. Thankfully, no one else at the League had his unique sense of humor, so they weren't listed as a married couple. That actually made the _look_ the concierge gave them worse. A bellboy took Harley's overwhelmingly heavy trunk, dragging it to the elevator. There almost wasn't enough room for the three of them and it. Wally almost volunteered to throw Harley out, but they got up okay.

Harley shared an apprehensive look with him. Either she hated being motionless in tight, confined spaces as much as he did, or it was just the elevator muzak. No, she was humming that. The moments the bell went ding and the doors opened, Harley was somersaulting up. The bellboy gave Wally a weird look.

"What? She's a gymnast!"

"Lucky bastard," the bellboy muttered as he started to drag the trunk to their room.

Harley was waiting at the door. Leaning against it, really, in such a way that she could occasionally jingle the locked doorknob. Wally unlocked it for her, then carefully slipped the room key into his pocket.

"I'll be keeping hold of this."

"Dibs on the TV!" Harley said as she ran inside. Apparently, hotel room etiquette wasn't of much interest to her. "Oooh, minibar!"

Wally weighted the advantages of alcohol as a depressant against the thought of Harley Quinn on vodka. He very carefully requested the key to the glass cabinet from the bellboy, then slipped it into his pocket. Harley rattled the doors to the minibar a bit before giving up on it to go to the TV. She plopped down on the sofa, catapulting the TV remote off the seat cushion where it lay and then snatching it in mid-air. She spun the remote like it was a six-shooter, turned the TV on, and then blew on the IR diode at the top.

Wally snatched the remote from her. She bounced up and down trying to get at it. Wally resolutely ignored the way her shirt billowed at the waist. He kinda wished she'd tuck it in, but then it'd be all tight and stuff.

"_I_ am catching up on my Tivo. _You_ are going to like it. Or not."

Harley crossed her arms and laid back on the couch. "You're like a worse version of Hitler!"

"Considering that you're into the Joker, I'd say that was a turn-on."

"You're not my type." Harley stuck her tongue out at him. "Too nice. What're we watching?"

Wally pulled his Tivo out of his suitcase and, at superspeed, hooked it up to the TV. This time, even that small effort exhausted him. Wally sat down in the easy chair and tried not to let on how winded he was.

"We are watching Gossip Girl."

Harley's face lit up in recognition. "Blair is so gay!"

"I know, right! Jenny is totally her bitch."

"What? Are you even watching the show? Serena! Waldsen all the way!"

Wally set his jaw. "Next you're going to tell me she belongs with Nate."

"Ha, Chuck maybe." Harley got comfortable. "If a girl needed _that_, anyway."

"Why you gotta bring politics into this? Sexual politics?"

"Sexual politics are my favorite kind."

"I firmly believe Gossip Girl should be sexually bipartisan."

"Bisexual?"

Wally gave her a droll look, but Kristen Bell's voiceover took over. Wally focused on the TV screen. "I miss Veronica Mars."

Harley pouted, setting her arms under her head. "Veronica so belonged with Logan."

"Mac."

"Shuddup."


	4. Room Serviced

Harley didn't sit still when she watched TV. She bounced and cooed at the screen and shook her fist.

Wally could sympathize. Sometime he ran around the Watchtower when other people were blinking. But with his lethargy these days, he found her motion annoying… taunting him. But he gritted it down, at least until she wriggled over him. Harley hugged up against his side, shoving her breasts into the side of his head.

"Are they gonna make it out? Are they? Are they?"

"_I don't know! _Watch the show!"

Harley refocused on the show, which had gone to a commercial for cat food. She groaned. He gently pushed her away.

"Aren't you smarter than this?"

She looked at him, suspicious.

"The sixth-grader with a sugar rush thing. You have a Ph. D. How's that work?"

Harley shrugged. "I dunno. I do have fun, though."

"Prison. Real fun," Wally muttered. He got up and paced over to the TV. "I like living in the moment too, but I can get serious when the time comes."

Harley drew up her legs onto the seat cushion. "When I don't live in the moment, I don't like where I end up." She wrapped her hands around her pigtails and drew them down to her chin. "I cry and Mistah J doesn't like crying, not from his henchfolk. So I laugh instead."

Wally muted the TV. "What do you cry about?"

There was the knock at the door. Harley craned her head with Linda Blair speed. "Yay! Company!"

Wally pushed past her as she vaulted over the armrest, blocking her from the door. "Go hide. I'll handle it." 

Pouting, she crouched behind the couch so that no one could see her from the door. The TV was playing a Geico commercial. She concentrated on that.

Wally opened the door. It was just a bellboy, with a food cart between the two of them.

"Complimentary room service, sir."

Wally's stomach rumbled. But this was one of those times when he should use his head. He grabbed a plate at random.

"Thanks, I'm not that hungry."

"Maybe your roommate…" the bellboy said.

"She went shopping."

"Then who's channel-surfing?"

With impossible speed, Wally half-turned, thought better of it, and turned back to see the bellboy lifting a silver platter. Under it was a bomb, three sticks of dynamite and lots of wires, counting down from ten. Wally grabbed the exposed red wire and yanked it out. When the world sped back up, the bomb was frozen. Wally grabbed the bellboy by his collar and catapulted him inside the hotel room.

"Funny, I don't remember ordering an explosive device."

The assassin growled and was just going for a gun when Harley whopped him with a lamp. He fell forward with a classic pratfall. Harley clapped. Then looked askew at Wally.

"How'd _you_ know how to disable the bomb?"

"It's always the red wire."

"That's why Mistah J always made it the purple wire."

Wally turned around. The bomb was down to one second. At superspeed Wally grabbed it and threw a fastball out the window. The explosion hit a moment later, just as Wally pulled Harley out of the room. The shockwave and flames turned their room into scrap. Windows shattered, carpets on fire, plaster cracked. Wally tugged at his collar.

"We'll just… tell them we're a rock band."

Harley looked at the unconscious assassin who moonlighted as a bellboy. "He's the drummer."


	5. Lobby Scene

They were going to check out when Wally noticed that Harley's little black handbag was no longer so little. He thought she had grabbed a weapon from assassin-boy… bell-assassin… bellassin… but when he sneaked a peek at superspeed, he found a veritable cornucopia of one-use toiletries, as well as a tiny bottle of straight-up vodka from the minibar.

"You're ripping off the hotel?" Wally asked, horrified.

"Aww, come off it, they expect you to take stuff! Look, single-use shampoo… _and_ it's anti-dandruff!"

"That's not the point!"

"Of course it's not, I don't have dandruff, why would you think that? Heh-heh."

Wally snatched her purse from her. "I'm a superhero! I can't just let people steal things!"

"Next you're going to tell me you don't believe in sex before marriage."

Wally blushed.

They had gotten to the lobby, but Wally took Harley in one hand and the purse in the other and turned them right around…

Which saved their lives, as a second bellboy pulled an SMG from a luggage cart he was pushing. It was a perfect ambush, except for the fact that they weren't in it. Wally wrapped his arms around Harley and vibrated her through a thick garden "altar". It was high enough for them to crouch behind, shielding them from the bullets. Wally tried to think of a way out, then tried to think of a reason why he was still hugging Harley and she was nuzzling the side of her face against his chest.

The skylight broke open, dropping glass on them like raindrops. Wally looked up to see two more assassins descending on ziplines. Both wore black _shinobi shozokus _and carried katanas.

_Ninjas! That would be so cool if they weren't here to kill me!_

Wally worried about his inner monologue sometimes. He wished he could think in all-American hokum like Superman or mean Dashiell Hammett prose like Batman.

With no other option, Wally dug into Harley's purse as the ninjas landed atop the indoor garden. He grabbed the bottle of shampoo and squirted it into the first ninja's eyes. The man screamed and, now useless, was shoved aside by his companion. So much for no tears formula.

The second ninja jumped down from the garden block, but Wally had already thrown a bar of soap down on his landing spot. The ninja tripped on it and went down, smacking his head on the ground. Wally winced as Harley made an appreciative noise.

"Are you okay?" Wally asked, turning only to see that Harley had made a mini-Molotov cocktail (a Minitov cocktail?) from her minibar theft. "I'm rooming with MacGyver!"

Harley lit a match off his cheek and used it to ignite the Minitov cocktail, which she then threw at the bellboy assassin. It hit the luggage cart he was using as cover. Wally and Harley poked their heads out from behind the garden to watch it burn.

"Didn't he keep his gun in there?"

"Uh-huh."

"So wouldn't it stand to reason that he has lots and lots of ammo in there?"

"I guess."

Wally pulled Harley behind the garden block again as the luggage cart went up like the Fourth of July. This time Wally was _sure_ Harley was nuzzling. He was slightly less sure about his own feelings on the subject. Sure, Harley Quinn was a fox, and even a babe now that she was out of the greasepaint and not trying to, you know, kill him or his friends… but on the other hand, she was also an evil supervillain. And Wally made a policy of not dating evil supervillains, one which he had pinkie-swore not to violate this time.

Although to be fair, one of them _had_ turned good. Good ol' Jinx… he really had to look her up sometime.

Wally came out of hiding. The hotel lobby looked like the set of a Tom & Jerry short post-ACME. Wally picked at a bullet hole in the wall and extracted a rubber bullet.

"Huh," Wally said. "That's odd."

"People trying to kill us isn't?"

"Not for me, no. But people trying to kill us but not actually, well, _kill us_… that's a new one for me."

Harley scratched her head. "Maybe they get a discount on the non-lethal stuff."

"Or maybe they want one of us alive."

"Probably me. I'm bee-you-tee-full. Although…" she grinned wolfishly. "You are a good hugger."

"That was not a hug! That was a life-saving, Justice League-_approved_ rescue! And if you ever say anything about me hugging you, I won't let you help me interrogate this guy," Wally finished, as he hoisted up a minion that was practically sweating rubber bullets. It looked painful.

"So, you in the mood for some answers?"

Harley clapped her hands. "Goodie goodie goodie!"

"I will not tell you anything!" the ninja said shrilly, then blathered on in one of those annoying secret language.

"Can I have some pliers?" Harley asked. "Please, please, please? Pliers are lots of fun!"

"This is a hotel. I don't think they have any."

"Oh." Harley 's face brightened. "You think they maybe have some hacksaws?"

"Doubt it."

"Nylon pantyhose."

"Possibly."

"And a pillowcase full of salt?"

"Doable."

"And a punch bowl filled with vinegar, Bud Light, and skim milk?"

The ninja interrupted. "Alright, alright, I'll talk! Just keep that freak away from me!"

Harley looked at Wally. "You heard him. He'll talk as long as you stay away."

"He was referring to you, Marquis De Sadette! Vamoose!"

Pouting, Harley hid on the other side of the garden block, where she crossed her arms. Mistah J was never like this. He would've thrown her off an airplane or dropped a bomb in her lap or woken her with a rattlesnake in her bed, but he never would've just… _ignored_ her.

"Who are you working for?" she heard Wally ask.

"The League of Assassins!"

Wally stopped short, even when Harley rounded the corner again and saw him. He clicked his fingers repeatedly. "League of Assassins, League of Assassins… I know this one! Oh, oh, oh! Ra's Al Ghul!" He looked at Harley. "Now I know that it's Ra's Al Ghul who's trying to have you killed! Isn't that great?"

"Awesome," Harley agreed. "Can I kill him now?"

"No!"

"Maybe just put him in a death-trap? Something easily escapable, I promise."

"We're handing him over to the cops."

"Well, yeah, if you want to be boring about it."


	6. Harley's Superpower

With a quick burst of speed, Flash dragged the unconscious assassin and carried Harley to a building way down the street. The effort wiped him out, so he told Harley to freshen up in the bathroom. When she couldn't see, he gulped in air and greedily drank straight from a faucet. The assassin coughed and Wally quickly tied him to a chair. It turned out to be a false alarm, so Wally splashed him with water. In the crotch.

"Wakey wakey, eggs and bakey."

The assassin came awake. Wally had swapped out his holographic disguise (broad shoulders, jet black hair, strong chin… reminded him of Bats and Supes, really) for his costume. He hoped it made him more intimidating.

"Where is the one named Harley Quinn?" the assassin demanded. He was white, with a vaguely European accent. Markovia, maybe, although Wally didn't really have an ear for accent.

"She's in the closet, and believe it or not that wasn't an euphemism." Wally jerked a thumb at the storage closet where Harley was changing. "But you're talking to me now."

"I will tell you nothing, stupid Americano!"

"Stupid? Alright, that does it." Wally popped his finger in and out of his mouth like a lollipop. "Wet willy."

The assassin squirmed, but resisted the urge to scream. He was tough, Wally decided.

Harley came out of the closet, once more dressed in her court jester sheathe. Her jester's cap hung from her hand like a floppy scepter as she bopped over to Wally, doing a few somersaults along the way. Wally had never seen someone so happy to be wearing spandex.

"Hey, Flashdance, ya mind if we stop at the store and pick up some greasepaint? I need to put on my face."

"You look better without it. That crap clogs your pores."

"Look better than what?" Harley asked, rubbing her shoulder up against him as she batted her eyelashes. Then she noticed the assassin. Snaking one arm around Flash's waist in a show of solidarity, she gave him the stink-eye. "Whacha doin'?"

"Just interrogating this guy. You might not want to watch. It's a dirty business, but necessary…"

"He gave me a wet willy," the assassin said.

"Riiight…" Harley looked at Wally again. "So can we get some greasepaint?"

"Just as soon as this scumbag tells me who he's working for. Pardon my French."

"Voulez-vous coucher avec moi," Harley said dismissively, then 'gently' elbowed Flash in the gut and twirled off him to end up in the assassin's lap.

"I don't speak Italian. And get off him! That's a bloodthirsty killer, not Santa!"

"I watched Silent Night, Deadly Night as a kid. My big brother insisted on it. I wanted to watch It's A Wonderful Life, but he thought it'd be funny to duct-tape me to the armchair and call me a chicken when I closed my eyes. So you see, there's not really much of a difference between bloodthirsty killers and Santa… at least, not in my nightmares. Which is why I prefer Valentine's Day! No one kills anyone then…" she playfully wrung the assassin's neck "unless you do it yourself."

"I wasn't trying to kill you!" the assassin said quickly.

"Of course, my favorite holiday wasn't always Valentine's Day. I used to like Groundhog Day a lot. I even had a pet groundhog. I caught him with a bit of celery and a shoebox. I named him Guy." As she spoke, she tenderly petted and tickled the assassin's scalp. "Then my brother found him…" She latched onto the assassin's ear and began to _twist_. "My brother… he always loved that Swiss army knife more than me… thought it was lucky…"

"I was trying to kill your bodyguard there! We all were! We were ordered to bring you in alive!"

Harley wrenched back the man's hair. "Who gave the order?"

"Ra's! Ra's Al Ghul!"

"You know one time, on Halloween, my brother really thought it'd be funny to hear me scream. Halloween is my least favorite holiday, you know…" Harley wrapped her hands around the assassin's neck, thumbs pressed into his throat. "My absolute least favorite…"

Flash hauled her off him. "C'mon, Harl, let's go get you some greasepaint."

"Sure thing, puddin'."

They stopped and stared at each other.

"_He_ doesn't call you Harl, does he?"

"No. No one calls me Harl anymore."

"Right. Well, I called the police for this guy. As soon as they get here, we're getting in the Javelin and blowing this popsicle stand."

"Where we goin'?" Harley asked, jumping up and down. "The Fortress of Solitude?"

"No."

"The Justice League Watchtower?"

"No."

"The Batcave?"

"No."

"The Themysciran embassy?"

"No."

"Big Barda's house?"

"Maybe later, she has nice snacks." Wally heard police sirens approaching and sighed in relief. "We're heading for Gotham. And since I'm not admitting to anyone that I mucked up a simple babysitting assignment, I'm going to pawn you off on someone I can trust while I solve this whole thing."

"Heh. Good luck," the assassin taunted. "You don't know what you're getting yourself into."

"Joke's on you," Wally replied. "I never do."


	7. Ladies' Night

Dick's apartment was one of the few in Gotham that Wally could stand to be in for five seconds without wanting to kill himself. Not only was it clean, but there was good music playing and pictures hung on the walls and there weren't any cockroaches. That was always a plus. And there was Starfire.

Starfire dressed slightly more conservatively in her twenties than she had in her teens. Shame. Despite his relationship with Jinx at the time, Wally had always enjoyed having some orange-flavored eye candy around. Of course, Dick would smack him one if he ever said so.

"Love what you've done with your hair, Star. It's very… very."

"Thank you, but if you're looking for Nightwing, he is out on the patrol," Starfire said, still having a few stubborn difficulties with English after all these years. "Were he not, we could have the festival of found friendships and…"

Wally held up his hand. Starfire had always moved a little fast, even for him. "Whoa, whoa, hold up. I just need you on babysitting detail for a bit while I get some stuff settled."

"Alright. Where is the little one?"

Wally made his most ubiquitous grin. "First off, she's not little. More petite, actually. But with a little va-va-voom in the right places, if you get my… never mind, awkward. Second, I couldn't bring her here because of the secret identity thing. She _really_ cannot be trusted with that information. So if you could take her to a restaurant or a movie or rock-climbing…"

"Wally… who. Is. _She?_"

* * *

Dick had told her about Harley. Kory knew that despite the childlike face she presented to the world, and even taking into account her supposed rehabilitation, Harley was dangerous and psychologically unstable. But then, Kory lived in Gotham. She was used to it.

"So, what would you like to accomplish!?" Kory asked, pumping a fist.

Harley stared at the door Wally had gone through. He'd introduced Kory and Harley in a Little Japan body storage block. Body storage: rooms about as big as a storage closet with a bench/fold-out bed and a LexTV across from it. At the end of the hall lined with body storage units was an auto-mat. Wally had bought Harley a slice of cherry pie from it before Kory arrived. He'd said he hadn't been hungry, but she'd still given him the last bit of pie and crust that you could eat without a fork.

Kory shook Harley, bringing her out of her funk. "I know you're more comfortable with him, but it is a glorious day out! There must be something you'd like to do. Maybe some TV…"

Harley's chest heaved with a sight. She threw a hand to her head as if warding off the vapors. "How am I supposed to go back to watching TV without Wally? He made all the best jokes… played with me during the commercials." She sniffled.

Kory's eyebrows shot up into her hairline. "You… played together?"

"He knew all the games I like. Candyland, Sorry, Backgammon, Heroclix. We were even thinking of making a commitment to play Monopoly. That's long-term!" Harley started bawling. "I miss him already!"

Kory patted her on the back. "Perhaps we could go see 'Love… Or Is It?' I have wanted to go see it for quite some time, but my boyfriend is reluctant. He says it is a chick flick. Despite my assurances that there are no baby chickens in it, he will not accompany me there. I find his fear very odd."

* * *

Kory couldn't understand why Dick wouldn't want to see 'Love… Or Is It?' with her. It didn't just have one pair of attractive people who at first disliked each other, then started to like each other, then had a misunderstanding that jeopardized their relationship, then got together in the end.

It had **three **pairs of attractive people who at first…

Harley blew her nose into another tissue, producing a honking noise and interrupting Kory's train of thought. Kory pulled out some more tissues and handed them to Harley. Harley was running through the Kleenex even faster than Kory, every word lost in a blubbering fit about just how _beautiful_ it all was.

"And then he said he loved her… and that made the other guy realize he still loved his wife… and that clued the daughter in that she shouldn't let her boyfriend join the Peace Corps… and she ran to the plane!"

They both sighed. It had, indeed, been _beautiful_.

"So." Kory wiped the tears from her eyes, then dumped her tub of popcorn and slightly smaller tub of soda into the trash. "What now?"

"Carnival? Oh, but traffic is so bad this time of day…"

Kory crouched down. "Climb on. I will be your cargo jet."

* * *

They went on every roller coaster twice. In-between the twice they ate enough cotton candy to ralph pink. Harley won Kory a teddy bear, and Kory rung the bell at the hammer game. By the time the carnival started to close they had played bumper cars enough to develop road rage.

"That was a good day," Kory said. "Wasn't it?"

Harley absently held onto her balloons.

"Wasn't it?" Kory prompted.

Harley let go of one of the balloons, watching the red bag of helium lift up into the air. Kory flew up to retrieve it and bring it back down. Harley didn't take it back.

"Does something trouble you, my new friend Harley?"

Harley wound the balloon strings around her fingers. "The clowns."

"Oh. I am sorry, I should've known."

Harley sat down in a bus stop with a rain shelter giving them shade from the harsh yellow streetlamps. With a sigh, Harley let the balloons float up to coil below the awning.

"S'not your fault. I always miss Mistah J. I know he was bad for me… real bad… but we had lots of fun when he didn't get mad at me. He made every little thing an adventure. I didn't even think about all the people we hurt. It was all about us. At least, that's what I thought."

A car ran by, splashing a puddle towards them. The water fell far short of their feet as Kory sat down beside Harley.

"But Mistah J didn't love me. He didn't love anybody. He just thought I was useful… kinda like a good audience. And an audience wasn't even as important to him as a straight man. He was way more interested in Bats than he ever was of me."

"You ended up doing the right thing," Kory said. "Agreeing to testify against the Legion of Doom took real courage."

"I think I was just angry at Mistah J for leaving me in Arkham. I just want a guy I can have fun with like I used to do with Mistah J. But one that won't abandon me."

Kory squeezed Harley's hands. "There are good men out there. I found someone. You can too."

"That's what my therapist kept saying. I didn't want someone else. I just wanted Mistah J to change. But I was the one who ended up changing…"

Putting her head down almost between her knees, Harley stared at her reflection in the puddle. Without her greasepaint, but without her glasses either. She looked…

Harley frowned and broke up the surface of the water with her fingertips.

"Oy, I wish Ivy were a guy. She'd make a good boyfriend. We play really nice together, she never yells at me… well, hardly ever… I think I'm so screwed-up that only a screw-up would go out with me. That sucks."

"Well then, there's a weirdo out there for you somewhere."

Kory's phone rang. She got up, her foot splashing through Harley's puddle as she walked out from under the interference of the awning. She only listened for a moment.

"It's Wally. He's in a wee bit of trouble."

* * *

Wally hung a hundred feet off the ground by a rope, which was rapidly flaying down to nothing thanks to a candle under the support it was tied to. Below him, the deadly toxin of the Lazarus Pit bubbled and boiled.

"I'm in a lot of trouble," he said, quite accurately.


	8. Previously, in the Batcave

"Okay, how do I look?"

Batgirl looked at Wally. Alfred had done an amazing job of tailoring a spare Batman costume to his measurements, but Wally had a runner's body. Even the padding of additional armor couldn't conceal that. She pulled his cape close around him to hide it.

"You look like Bruce went on the Atkins diet."

Wally pursed his lips, thinking about it. "Okay, how about… _now?_" He made a frowny face.

"No."

"'This is my city!'" Wally growled. "That good?"

Barbara giggled. The sound was quickly ate up by the Batcave. Warning him off with a wagging finger, she headed for the Batcomputer. Wally followed, surreptitiously adjusting the trunks of his costume. Why _did_ Bruce wear those things on the outside, anyway? And did that mean he didn't wear anything on the inside? Wally really hoped Alfred had washed this thing with the good soap.

"So, you're looking for Talia Al Ghul?" Batgirl plopped down in the throne-like chair, cracking her knuckles before she attacked the keyboard. "Hmm… Last time I checked, she had deserted both Batman and her father. Went off to find herself."

"Less competition for you, huh?"

Barbara blushed beneath her cowl. "Funny."

"Now if only someone could put the Catwoman out for the night…"

"Oh, we are not talking about love lives. Not with Flash-in-the-pan West."

Wally started, his undignified expression magnified by his very serious armor. "What's that supposed to mean?"

"You can have any woman you want at your arm in half an hour, but they only stay there for half an hour. So do you just get bored of them or is there more flash than substance to you?"

Wally turned away. After a moment, he collected himself and turned back. "A lot of the girls I know turn out to be supervillains! Or turn into supervillains! Or are turned on by supervillains, and don't even try to defend Slade on that one, because trying to kill someone is one thing, but stealing their girl? Not cool! Plus, how old is that guy, anyway? Was that I Love Little Girls song written totally about him or is it just me? And I'll have you know that bad girls make very _good_ kissers!"

Barbara softened. "You'll find someone, Wally. You just have to keep looking."

"Yeah." Wally rested his chin on her shoulder. "So, is it true that Bats do it upside-down?"

Barbara shoved him away.

"Ah, here we go!" The computer threw new records up onto the screen. "INTERPOL has Talia Al Ghul connected with a radical animal rights group: The WWF."

"…she went into pro wrestling? Is she a foxy boxer? Does she box foxily?"

"No. The World Wildlife Foundation. They used to be legit, but then they turned out to be a front for one of Poison Ivy's schemes. Since then they've gone underground. Bombing animal testing labs, that kind of thing. A nuisance, to be sure, but not much for the actual supervillainy."

Wally looked at Talia Al Ghul's picture. She was beautiful, in a way. Well, every which way but loose. Too bad. He liked loose women.

"Okay, so where do I… and by I, I mean 'Batman' find her?"

Batgirl punched a command into the computer and a spotlight came on, illuminating the Batwing. "Coordinates set for Greenland. I'll tell Alfred to pack you a warm lunch."

Wally tugged on her cape. "Sure you don't wanna come along, do some sightseeing, keep me warm?" he teased. "You know with the ozone layer as it is, those icebergs won't be around forever."

She grinned. "I'm afraid I'll have to give you the cold shoulder on that one."


	9. A Chilly Reception

Wally sat in the cockpit, practicing being Batlike and not looking at the shiny buttons. There was a big red one. Just the one. Big and red. There were lots of other levers and switches and buttons and whatnot, but just there was only one big red button.

The Batwing was flying itself, with an in-flight meal and even a movie playing for him on the little all-purpose iVideo screen, but that didn't compare to the big red button. I mean, really, why would you even have a big red button if—

He pushed it.

His movie paused and Batgirl came on the screen.

"Don't. Touch. Anything," said she.

"I wasn't—"

"You pressed the big red button."

"Yeah, what does that do, anyway?"

Whoa. Wally wasn't used to seeing Batman's facial expressions on Veronica Mars (with leather and red hair). "It tells me that someone without authorization is trying to operate the Batwing."

"That's all? It doesn't… blow up Finland or something?"

"Why would Batman want to blow up Finland?"

"I don't know, why does he wear a cape? Didn't he ever see The Incredibles? Those things are a hazard."

"Wally, shut up and enjoy the movie or you can spend the rest of the flight watching gay porn."

"Yeah? What if I'm into that?" Wally challenged.

Batgirl cued up Brokeback Mountain.

"Okay, okay, okay, you win!"

The Batwing turned invisible five miles away from the landing point, which turned the cockpit into a sauna. Batgirl assured him that one of these days, Bruce would get around to fixing the overheating instability in the cloaking device. Batman kept a parka behind the seat, although Wally had no idea how he managed to get it on without his cape poking out and leaving him looking like an idiot. Wally settled for looking like a very intimidating idiot with a slightly overlong cape.

The perpetual winter was in mid-thaw up here, with grass poking out of the snow like rashes in pale skin. He steered clear of them, preferring the crunch of snow under his bat-boots (they had little Batlogos on the sole; _adorable!_). A ways ahead was the inn, a kind of squat, long, and wooden building designed to withstand blizzards. Wally gathered his cape and parka tightly around himself and entered through a side door.

According to the files Batgirl had wired him during the flight, the Seaspot Inn had been built… a while ago, and had lately been commandeered by Greenpeace for whole lot of money, around the sum of… a whole lot.

_I really should learn to pay better attention to this stuff_.

With his cape held up in front of his face like a flamenco dancer, Wally stuck to the shadows. Since the inn was pretty well lit, he took care to shut off the lights whenever he entered a room. Halfway there, he thought _maybe I should've taken out the power_. But then there'd be no heating. That just seemed mean.

Finally, at the end of a long and now-dark hallway, he saw a closed door. There were voices coming from behind it and shadows passing over the light coming under the door. Feeling very sneaky indeed, he crept up to the door (damn, did those floorboards ever creak! Whatever people did to keep their floorboards from creaking, the people who ran the inn should've done it twice) and listened.

There was a voice, sultry as cigarette smoke in a black and white movie, that had to be Talia's. She was giving some stump speech on saving the environment. Didn't sound all that sinister… they were mainly planning to put radio-tags on some walruses or something like that. Wally discarded his parka; things was getting stuffy. Its fleece stirred in the breeze from an air duct.

Perfect.

He crept into it and up to the rafters of the next room over… a big meeting room with card tables set up to carry coffee machines, laptops, and microwaves. The Macintosh band of ecosystem-saviors were listening intently to Talia, although that may have been because she had her ski suit unzipped to just above to show off some cleavage that wouldn't be out of place in a Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue. Wally patted down his… okay, Bruce's… utility belt for some bat-binoculars.

Whoa. Funny place to have a scar.

"What are you doing?"

Wally spun around so fast he nearly fell off the rafters. He clung to a ceiling beam for support. It was Batgirl. Remembering how his JLA headset worked, he put a hand to his now-rather-pointy ear and subvocalized "Just admiring the scenery."

"Flash, there's a camera in the cowl."

"So you're recording this?" He looked again. "Send me the tape."

"The big guy insists on having the camera on whenever he loans out the costume. Sometimes Superman uses it." 

"TMI, Batgirl."

"Know what I insist on having in the costume?"

An electric shock hit Wally, causing him to stand up from his crouch and bang his head on the ceiling.

"Damn, girl," Wally said, struggling to keep his voice down. "I thought you were nice, but you are totally Gotham flavored!"

"Fastest man alive and yet feminism passed you right by?"

"Hey, I love the ladies!"

"Really? Name the last woman you had an actually substantial conversation with."

"Harley Quinn," Wally answered readily. "Okay, you're right, I have a problem."

"Why? She's nice. Just makes bad choices, that's all."

"Oh, a believer in rehabilitation. Glad to see you're not completely in the Bat-personality cult."

"Who said that? Catwoman's my sister-wife."

Wally paused with his mouth open to reply. "Hold that thought, Talia's on the move."

Having finished her speech, Talia patted one of her sycophants on the head and turned to leave. Wally watched her closely… especially a certain part of her anatomy that swayed from side to side like a flag in a gentle breeze. Any costume she might wear wouldn't need Kevlar down there. That butt could deflect .45 slugs.

Another shock buzzed him.

"Will you ever got bored of that?"

"Just be thankful you're not Nightwing." She sighed.

Haphazardly making his way over the rafters and through the air ducts, Wally followed Talia to her room. His cape kept getting caught on stuff, but eventually he reached her vent in time to see her stripping out of her winter clothing. Whoa. Not that he was a voyeur (speeding into the women's locker room had been a total accident, he'd thought it was the guy's locker room; could've happened to anyone), but that was a very tight tanktop she was wearing underneath all her other layers of clothing… and it was cold in Greenland.

He thought about busting in on her, but no, that wasn't what Bats would do. Carefully, very carefully, Wally removed the cover to the vent he was hiding in and then dropped down to land with an all-around nice, cat-like effect. Then he confidently stepped out of the shadows, lowering his voice to its most movie announcer pitch.

"**Talia.**"

Talia turned. She'd gotten around to taking her pants off and… well now… he'd have thought thongs weren't in season.

"Beloved," she said, smiling. "You got here just in time." She laid down on the bed. "I was just thinking of you…"

Wally gulped.


	10. Risqué Business

Wally felt his lips go dry. Figured. As his usual dashing, handsome, friendly, jokey, emotionally available self, women tended to ignore him. But put on a Batsuit and there they were, in a thong and tanktop, striking a pin-up pose on a (very comfortable looking) bed. Maybe it was true. Chicks dug the Batmobile.

"Uh, hey there. You were? Thinking of me?" He coughed. "Yes, no doubt, my exsanguination."

"I would hate to exsanguinate you. All that perfectly good blood leaving your body…" Talia Al Ghul, daughter of a terrorist mastermind, splayed her fingers over her clavicle. "If I wanted to remove fluids from you, there are far more pleasant ways to obtain them.

Wally retreated into the shadows where Talia couldn't see him blushing. "What is Ra's Al Ghul planning?" he growled.

"You know my father, always planning something." She wrapped the comforter around herself like a burqa. Wally nearly sighed, although he couldn't tell if it was in relief or disappointment. "I am cold. Keep me warm?"

_Toss her a flare_. Barbara said in his ear. _Play it cool._

"The League of Assassins. What do you know about it?"

"Come a little closer, beloved. Allow me to whisper in your ear."

Wally forced his knees to stop shaking and walked to the bed, one foot calmly in front of the other. With Talia lying the way she was, that put her at about eyelevel with his briefs. Wally quickly sat down on the bed. Talia raised herself up into a sit using nothing but her bellydancer muscles. Wally crossed his legs.

"The League, Talia."

"The ace up my father's sleeve," Talia purred. "A terrorist cell held in reserve throughout all his schemes. If they're active, then he thinks this is his endgame." She smiled, her lips wicked. "When you're unstoppable, why not lay all your cards on the table?"

"They targeted Harley Quinn. Why her?"

Talia put her arms around Wally, pressing herself against his cape and rubbing up and down. He felt the heat of her body travel between his shoulder blades.

"Does she know something?" he stuttered, his voice weakening. "Something that can hurt Ra's?"

"I'm so cold, beloved." And it was true. Her fingers touched his chin and circled his jaw, cold as marble. "Warm me. Stay with me. Give me a kiss, and I'll tell you everything."

Wally gently laid her down. His blood was boiling and he felt like any minute he would say something stupid that would totally turn her off him. Under the sheet that covered her from shoulder to thigh, Wally saw her hands tug the straps of her tanktop down her long white arms, then pull it down until it was kicked out from under the sheet and off the bed. With gentle insistence, Talia pulled him under the sheets with her.

_Wally, you're not really going through with this, are you? You barely know her! She's on the bad guys' team! If she knew who you were she would kill you in a __Gotham__ minute!_

Wally disconnected his comlink.

"Kiss me!"

"Okay."

Wally moved in for the kiss, careful not to slip into super-speed or accidentally headbutt her or anything like that. But before he could, she spoke again.

"Kiss me!"

"I will." Wally nodded and moved in-

"Kiss me!"

"Sure thing."

"KissMPHF!

Wally had kissed her. She was grabbing his head so hard he could feel her fingernails right through the Kevlar-nomex-leather-whatever material of the cowl. She was doing things with her tongue that were anything but relaxing. And at some point her legs had wrapped around his waist, so she was putting more and more pressure on him there. When Talia finally broke away, her face was flushed and sweat was plastering a lock of hair to her forehead.

"Your breath… it's minty and fresh," Talia said breathlessly.

Wally could've kissed the inventor of breath mints, if he didn't have a perfectly kissable girl right at hand already. "Yeah, I had a Tic-Tac on my way here."

Talia's eyes narrowed with suspicion.

_Uh-oh_. Wally shook her. "Tell me what I want to know!"

"Who the hell are you, giving out orders like this?" Talia shouted.

"What are you, dense? Are you retarded or something? Who do you think I am? I'm the goddamn Batman!"

And then Wally met the goddamn taser.

* * *

"Do I have to be tied up and blindfolded to come to the Batcave?" Harley asked. 

She was in the backseat, with Kory driving at a very high speed. Batgirl was on the pop-up videoscreen, right above the GPS unit.

"Just be lucky you're not gagged," Batgirl said. "Take a left."

Starfire did.

"I'm just saying, Mistah J used to tie me up all the time, and he always made sure it was a lot snugger. You can tie stuff a lot tighter without even cutting off the circulation, if you try."

Starfire made a face. "I'm going to make you explain to Nightwing why we can't ever touch again," Kory said.

Batgirl looked overjoyed at the prospect.

* * *

Pretty soon, they were in the Batcave. Batgirl already had a satellite picture of Greenland thrown up on the monitor, with a pulsing blip showing Wally's location. She explained the situation as she prepped the Batcopter for take-off. 

"He took off his comlink to interact with Talia," Starfire said. "Are you sure they're not just… molphsxing?"

"It's been four hours," Barbara said.

"Your point being?"

Harley and Barbara exchanged a glance.

_Four hours?_ Harley mouthed to Starfire.

Starfire nodded happily.

Harley clutched her hands over her heart. "Oh, when I think of all the times I had Robin held hostage and never made the most of it…"

"You so don't want to finish that sentence," Batgirl said. She turned the bat-headed key in the ignition and the Batcopter started to power up. "I've set the autopilot to take you directly to where Wally is being held, an underground location apparently hollowed right out of an iceberg. It's approximately twenty miles north of Talia's cover operation. Perfect camouflage."

"How can we be sure he's there?" Starfire asked, pulling on the clunky boots of her costume.

"I planted a tracking device in his thermos. He swallowed it on the way there. That way, they won't be able to find it when they search him."

"Wait, search him?" Harley repeated, horrified.

* * *

"So, was it good for you too?" Wally asked as Talia's men tied his hands over his head, the end knotted to a thick rope. 

He was shirtless and unmasked. Without the Batsuit's insulation, he would've frozen if it weren't for the sauna-like heat coming from the caverns Talia had taken him to. The humidity melted the ice further up, causing slush to run down in small rivers cut into the rocky floor. Just a few meters away the ground came to an end in a crevice from which green fumes were issuing. Wally felt it prudent not to get too close.

Talia flung his utility belt over her shoulder. She was sheathed in a leather catsuit, with a gun at her belt, the classic femme fatale. "Don't flatter yourself, that was purely business."

"The first time, maybe, but the second…"

"I was just being thorough."

"Keep telling yourself that, sweetheart. Your secret's safe with me."

Ubu, Talia's bodyguard, punched him in the stomach. He was a bald, muscular bull of a man who hit like a bulldozer. "You will keep a respectful tongue when speaking with the Demon's Daughter!"

"Speaking of respectful tongues," Wally panted, before raising his head to look at Talia. "Who's the better kisser, me or Batman?"

"Batman or I," she corrected.

"In that case, it'd have to be you. Not that I'd know, but I imagine Batman would be kinda distracted by the memory of someone's death or going over the details of a crime scene in his head. He's not a real carpe diem kinda guy, ya know?"

Talia ran a finger over Wally's bare chest. "It's a pity you're such a fool. Were you a mite smarter, you might provide excellent genetic material for my spawn."

"Hey, you need genetic material, just give me a magazine and leave me alone for five minutes…"

She slapped him.

"Or stay, your choice."

She slapped him harder.

"Where is Harley Quinn?" Talia demanded, grabbing him by the throat.

"Have you checked the romance section of your local library?"

She choked him until he was blue in the face, then released him. Air flooded his lungs and for a moment Talia let him breath. Then Ubu leaned in. Ubu desperately needed a Tic-Tac. Wally thought about offering him one, but doubted it would go over well.

"Tell us where she is and my mistress will be merciful."

"Newsflash, baldy. She was plenty merciful earlier, wink wink, nudge nudge, say no more…"

Ubu raised a hand in violence.

"Enough!" Talia said sharply, staying his hand. "Obviously this… _imposter_ is no stranger to pain."

"I sat through Aquaman and Green Arrow's town hall meeting on how capitalism encouraged environmental abuse," Wally spat. "The smell of hippie-funk alone is worse than anything you can dish out."

"You dislike toxic aromas, eh?" Talia and Ubu chuckled darkly, in that villain/sidekick way that always gave Wally the heebie-jeebies. "Then we'll give you an incentive to cooperate."

Talia leaned against a cart of barrels parked by the walls as Ubu walked into the shadows. Wally looked around frantically, really hoping his superpowers would kick in. They'd been pretty shoddy lately and vibrating through his bonds would take more power than just a short burst of speed. _C'mon, Speed Force, old buddy, old pal, old friend…_

An engine revved and Wally looked to his left to see a crane's headlights come on, Ubu at the controls. He plucked a series of levers and Wally felt himself being lifted into the air. The crane's hook was what his ropes were tied to. That couldn't be good.

Pulling another lever, Ubu maneuvered Wally over what could only be a Lazarus Pit. It smelled foul, but somehow natural… something from the dark side of nature, the red in tooth and claw kinda nature. No butterflies or sparkling springs here. The sickly green glow coming off the surface of the pit lit up Wally, and by its light he saw vast tubes snaking into the liquid like the roots of a mechanical tree. A cacophony of engines, bubbling, and a noise like a giant vampire sucking at the neck of the world would've told Wally the purpose of the operation, even if he couldn't see the vacuumed-up fluids being processed through an intricate glass array and poured into barrels on a conveyor belt. Workmen with surgical masks capped the barrels, fixing the lids on with bolt guns. Then they were loaded onto carts, like the one Talia was leaning against.

"You're stockpiling it," Wally realized.

"Yes. The wonders of modern technology." Talia brushed the hair from her eye. "Before, we had to come to the Lazarus Pit. Now the Lazarus Pit comes with us."

Wally had already lost count of the barrels. "Why do you need so much of it?"

"The future. It will be glorious, and my father intends to see every minute of it. Ubu, fetch me a barrel!"

Ubu grabbed a loose barrel. It was a large metal drum, gleaming silver, and Wally could hear the Lazarus liquid sloshing around inside it. As directed by Talia's decisive gestures, he planted it beneath the arm of the crane. Talia, smiling, took a candle from the wall and set it down on top of the barrel so that its flame licked at the rope. The same rope keeping Wally from plunging to his doom.

"With each minute that passes, your death inches closer. For while the wonder of the pit can rejuvenate an aged body, on a young… _vigorous _one…" She paused, shuddered in pleasure. "Death most painful. In five minutes' time, you'll be begging me to talk."

"Wow. Usually when I'm being threatened, the threatey guy is trying to get the opposite result." Wally frowned at her. "You really expect me to talk?"

"No, Mr. 'Batman', I expect you to die. This venue is compromised, we will have to exfiltrate. Come, Ubu, we have much to attend to before our departure." She addressed Wally one last time. "If you reconsider my generous offer, just scream."

"There is one thing," Wally said.

Talia planted her hands at her hips.

"Really, who was the better kisser? I just gotta know."

She and Ubu turned, walked away.

"Was it me? C'mon, don't leave me hanging!"

They disappeared from his sight, leaving him alone with the bubbling Lazarus Pit and the rapidly dwindling rope.

"I'm in a lot of trouble," Wally said, quite accurately.

* * *

"I've got a Boomtube cued up to take us to Greenland," Batgirl said, shouting to be heard above the roar of the rotor blades. 

"What about the League?" Starfire asked.

"Busy. We can't afford to wait any longer than we already have."

"But if they have Flash as a hostage, how can we risk a frontal assault?"

"We can't," Harley said seriously, although in a manner a bit reminiscent of George C. Scott's portrayal of Patton. "Before we attack Talia's forces, we hafta rescue Flash. I'll sneak in, pretending to be a member of the Cavity Creeps, rescue the dynamic uno in distress, then get out so you can run in throwing Batarangs—whoosh, whoosh!—and firing starbolts—p-choo, p-choo!—and dropping Bat-bombs…"

Batgirl stopped her before she could do any more Foley work. "They'll never accept you as Harley Quinn. That's their target, remember."

"Oh yeah. So, I just pretend to be a different supervillain." She looked at all the costumes taken as trophies and displayed within glass case. "I could be… Mrs. Freeze? Two-Facette? The Mad Hatteress? Evil Female Robin?"

Starfire and Batgirl exchanged a long-suffering glance.

"An evil Robin?" Batgirl said.

"A girl Robin?" Starfire said. Then, off Batgirl's look, "What, it'd be sexy."

"No, wait a sec..." Harley paused in front of a particular suit. "That's perfect!" she said, laying a hand on the glass. "Or should I say… purr-fect?"


	11. Daring Rescue

Harley looked at herself in the compact Kory had loaned her. She filled out the catsuit, no pun intended, pretty well, but the face… Harley relaxed her obnoxiously wide grin into a scowl. No, that didn't work. Too pouty. She pursed her lips, then slightly parted them. Too vampy for a seductress. Finally, she decided on her smuggest, smallest smirk. She hoped it was more _bwahahaha, I am so awesome_ than _weeeeeeeee!_

She was feeling a bit _weeeeee!_ at the moment, though. Goin' off on a mission with her two new friends, even if one of them was (_blech!_) Batgirl, but better her than her Y-chromosome counterpart. Now there was a grouch. Batgirl could apparently loosen up from time to time. And Kory was fun, if a little spastic. That girl needed to be more like her and Ivy. Playin' it coooool.

"You know the plan, right?" Batgirl said.

Harley was toying with her whip… not playing with it, not after she'd accidentally hit Kory while trying to ship it, just coiling it and snapping it and throwing it around her neck like a feather boa.

"Yeah, yeah, yeah."

"When you find Flash, and if you can't get him out on your own, press the red button. See? Big red button. Then we'll come and get you."

"Okay, okay, I got it!"

"The big red button. Don't forget."

Harley stuck her tongue out at her when Batgirl turned her back.

Starfire, in the co-pilot's seat, checked the map. "The tube of booming let us out in Nuuk."

"Nuuk?" Batgirl repeated.

"Who's there?" Harley said automatically.

Batgirl favored her with a glare. "The iceberg is just a little ways up the coast. Harley, I've already rented you a snowmobile. We'll drop you off at the rental place, you follow the instructions in this cell-phone."

She handed Harley a cell-phone with the screen set to a GPS. It was already flashing directions to the iceberg.

"Any questions?"

"Nope. If I run into any trouble, I'll just hit the big blue button!"

* * *

Wally wasn't going to do it. He knew he could do it, but he still had his dignity. He would think of a way out of this.

The candle burnt away another strand of rope.

Wally looked heavenward. "I know I'm not usually a praying man, but if you're up there, help me Superman!"

* * *

For once, ski masks were appropriate attire. There were two guards in front of the iceberg, on the thick ice that formed a rough coast for it to dock at. A passerby might ask what they were guarding, if there were any passersby.

"I thought there'd be penguins," the first guard said.

The second guard turned to him. "Penguins are native to Antarctica. We're in the Arctic."

"I know that _now_. But it would've been nice if someone had told me that before I signed up to come up here and freeze my ass off."

"What, you think the Secret Society of Supervillains has an obligation to inform its employees of the fauna and flora of the location to which they're deployed?"

"It'd be nice, yeah. I thought I'd get to see a penguin."

"Go to a zoo. And besides, not like it's a complete wash up here. You've got caribou."

"Caribou? C'mon, that's just deer."

The low growl of an engine pervaded the air. Both men reached for their rifles.

"I'm just saying, you know, if we were posted in a place which had man-eating tigers, you'd expect we'd be informed?"

"Well, that's a danger. Penguins aren't dangerous."

"What about _the_ Penguin? He might have something rigged up like a genetically engineered penguin that eats flesh. Or one that shoots rockets."

"A rocket-shooting penguin? What kind of organization do you think we're running here?"

The snowmobile came into sight. Both men aimed at it.

"I think a rocket-shooting penguin could be kind of interesting. Baroque, you know."

"I don't know of any self-respecting supervillain who would want to share the stage with a rocketeer penguin."

"Well, just cuz ya don't know any… what about Roxy Rocket, or whatever her name is? If she and the Penguin had a team-up…"

"Ick, could you imagine what the kids would look like?"

"Get your mind out of the gutter. Why does everything always have to be about sex with you?"

The snowmobile pulled to a stop in front of them and Catwoman waved. "Hey ya, boys, I've come to check out your installation… I've heard it's the cat's meow."

"Hey, it's Catwoman! Settle something for us… should an employer tell you whether or not your workplace will have penguins in it?"

Catwoman sat back, imposed upon. "Well, would you have cause to expect penguins?"

"It's the Arctic!"

"There aren't any penguins in the Arctic Circle. Everyone knows that."

"See?" the second guard said. "Told you."

"Can I go on ahead? I'd hate to be late. It'd be… a cat-astrophe."

"Yeah, sure, go on ahead."

The iceberg lowered its drawbridge and Catwoman rode her snowmobile inside.

"She's cute."

"Oh, what am I, chopped liver?"

"Bradley, don't be like that? I was just admiring—"

"You're always just admiring! Like you and that slut from Accounting…"

"I told you, she's just a friend!"

"You look at all your friends like that?"

"So what if I do?"

"Well, if she's happy being treated like a piece of meal…"

"Baby!"

"Don't 'baby' me!"

* * *

"Ah, young love," Harley said as she stepped off her snowmobile and stretched. "I wish I had someone like that. Someone to love and cuddle and have a cute pet name for. Ah well, time to find Flashy."

She walked through the hollowed-out iceberg. It had lots of tunnels carved into it, and there were pipes running along them. Harley followed one until she found a henchman.

"You there, minion-boy! I hear you've cat-ught the Flash. Take me to him."

"Why should I?"

She reached out and twisted his ear. "I'm not pussyfooting around! Take me to the Flash"

"Ow ow ow! Okay, okay! Geez, you're not a nice person."

"Yes," Harley said proudly. "I'm bad to the fishbone."

* * *

Wally had never really thought about dying. He thought it would be in the heat of battle, with him too busy looking good to feel it. But the handcuffs were cutting off his circulation and above even the garden-on-acid smell of the Pit, he could smell the smoke from the candle burning away his lifeline.

Then Catwoman walked in.

Except she didn't have the same bust as Catwoman. And Wally paid a lot of attention to that kind of thing. Plus, she walked different. Catwoman had a very high-heel kind of walk, hips swinging, breasts jiggling just so, sultry smirk in place… this Catwoman kinda… _flounced_.

Harley.

She snapped her whip. "Oooh! Shiny death-trap! What's that stuff down there?" she asked the guard who'd come in with her.

"The Lazarus Pit. It is the life-blood of the planet. It can either give life or take it away."

"So it doesn't turn him into a lemur or anything?"

"No."

"And when the rope snaps, he falls?"

"Yes."

"_That's it?_"

"I think I'm ready to talk now!" Wally shouted.

"And the only thing severing the rope is that candle?"

"Yes. I should get Mistress Talia, she must know of this!"

"In a minute." She squinted at the candle. "Couldn't you have sprung for some dripping acid or tied a razor onto one of those little wooden bird thingeys that keep bopping up and down?"

"Harley! Get me down from here!"

The guard raised an eyebrow. "He just called you Harley."

"No he didn't."

"Yes he did. I heard him."

"He must've been saying 'hardly'."

"'Hardly' getting me down from here?" the guard said, dubious.

"Yes." Harley saw that the guard wasn't convinced. "Nice place you've got here. This is the purr-fect lair."

The rope tore down to a strand.

"This is the first time since high school it hasn't been good to be me!" Wally moaned.

The rope snapped and Harley grabbed it. She quickly shoved it into the guard's hands.

"Here, hold this," she said as she unlimbered her whip.

Harley cracked it up, wrapping the end around a stalactite. She swung as the guard realized he really shouldn't be helping a prisoner escape death. The guard let go and Harley caught Wally, swinging the two of them onto the opposite side of the Lazarus Pit. She landed on top of him.

"Nice outfit," he said.

"Feels like I'm wearing nothing at all."

"You can get off me now."

She did. He elbowed his way to his feet, just in time to see the guards taking up position at the other end. He tackled Harley to the ground as they opened fire, bullets shivving overhead.

"So that's your real face," Harley said. "Never would've figured you for a ginger."

Wally held his handcuffs up to her face. "Got a lockpick?"

She produced a handcuff key from behind his ear and unlocked him. He rolled off her. Together, they belly-crawled away from the gunfire splashing around them.

"I thought your cheekbones would be higher," Harley said.

"The mask is cut to change up the line of my face. It was Batman's idea."

They took cover behind a stalagmite to catch their breaths. Bullets sparked off the other side of it. To the left and the right were more passages carved out of the ice. Harley tensed to make a break for it, but Wally grabbed her hand. She held still.

"Wait til they reload," he said. And, surprising her, it wasn't an order but… advice. Like he might give one of his teammates.

"So, does Batman always tell you what to wear? Bat-Eye for the Speedy Guy?" Harley recognized the trunks, tights, and black army boots Wally was wearing.

"I'm not the one who's wearing all leather."

From one of the passages came the crunch of ice underfoot. Shadows rounded the corner. Harley moved herself into a sprinter's position.

"Not yet," Wally said, though he did the same.

The gunfire stopped—

"Now!"

--And started back up, nipping at their heels. More guards rounded the corner, but before they could open fire their targets disappeared deeper into the iceberg.

"You have a plan?" Wally asked as they ran blindly.

"Oh, yeah!" Harley pulled the panic button from her catsuit. "I just press the big red button and—"

She tripped. The panic button went flying, eventually falling through a crack in the ice.

"What did that do?" Wally asked humorlessly.

"Uhh… sprayed perfume."

"Whatever."

They ran past a cart full of Lazarus barrels. Wally stopped, summoned up all his concentration, and chopped at the lock that held it shut. The Speed Force conked out halfway through, so he fractured his hand. But the lock was smashed open and barrels spilled out, hitting the pursuing guards.

"Barrel of laughs," Wally smirked and ran to catch up with Harley.

"What about you?" Harley asked when he caught up (with the greatest of ease). "Don't you have any bat-gadgets?"

"They took away my belt."

"Good idea."

"Wait…" Wally hopped on one foot, pulling a beacon from his bootheel. "This emits an ultrasonic signal that attracts bats." He slapped his forehead. "Which would be useful if there were bats in the Arctic."

"Give it here!" Harley demanded, and he handed it over. She immediately began fiddling with it. "I used to build all of Mistah J's gadgets… I picked up a few things… with a little modification this can crack the ice and cause a cave-in!"

A gunshot whistled overhead, chipping the ice up ahead. Wally grabbed her by the hand and pulled her down a fork in the road.

"I can't work and run at the same time!" Harley protested.

"Fine." Wally picked her up in a fireman's carry. "You work, I run."

And he did. The guards dogged their every turn, trying to cut them off. One intercepted Wally, who kicked him in the gut and threw him at the pursuing force. His body tripped them up. More gunshots rang out as Wally took another path. One bullet frayed Harley's catsuit.

"I cannot work under these conditions!" she screeched.

Wally crossed paths with two guards, who were just bringing their weapons up when Wally threw Harley into them. The first guard caught her, the second guard caught a right hook from Wally. The first guard dropped Harley, who kicked him with a long leg shooting up nearly 90 degrees. Wally stared at her as she put her leg back down.

"What?"

"Nothing," Wally said as he picked up one of the fallen guns. "You wouldn't happen to know how to use one of these things, would ya?"

Harley tightened a screw on the gadget. "Point it at anything wearing spandex, pull the trigger, spandex guy goes away."

"Uh-huh," Wally repeated.

The guards were just coming around the corner when Wally fired at them, the recoil almost throwing the machine gun out of his hands. He couldn't get it under control, but his wild firing kept the guards back. At least until it clicked empty.

"Done!" Harley cried.

Wally grabbed it, turned it on, and threw it at the guards.

"You do know what the range on that thing is, don't you?" Harley asked.

"Range?"

A crack in the ice ran between them.

"Run!" Wally said.

"That's your solution to everything!" Harley grumbled as he pulled her to her feet behind him.

The noisy death throes of the ice slammed against their ears, cracking and shattering all around them. Wally stepped on a crack wrong, tripping. Harley's hand slipped from his and she paused for a moment before running back to help him. And that was when the floor dropped out from under them.


	12. How Wally Got His Speed Force Back

Note: Pykrete is a real substance and was going to be used to design floating iceberg superweapons during World War 2 before the project was scrapped (this happened a lot). You can read all about by doing a Google search or at your local library.

Wally got to his feet. He'd landed hard, but it didn't feel like anything had been knocked loose. His bigger concern was for Harley. She was lying unmasked in Catwoman's costume on the floor a few feet away. Wally crouched down next to her, examining her carefully for injuries. Her pulse was strong, and after a moment Wally just rolled his eyes and gave her a gentle slap. Harley snapped awake.

"Mommy, I don't wanna go to school…"

"I've got good news and bad news. We're on an aircraft carrier made out of a super-ice called Pykrete. I figure Talia's using it to transport Lazarus goo to… wherever. This kind of ship is designed to be impregnable to attack, so rescue isn't really an option."

"But I don't have to go to school?"

"No."

Harley cracked her neck. Wally was bare-chested, dressed in Batman's costume from the waist down. Already, the cold was making his nipples stand out and his skin turn slightly blue.

"Wanna see something cool?" Wally asked her.

Harley shrugged. "Sure, whatever."

Wally tapped his foot on the ground. Harley looked down. The ice forming the floor was as clear as glass, letting Harley see down into the ocean below. They watched a school of colorful fish passing under them, nipping at the ice curiously.

"It's outside the walls, too."

And through one of the translucent walls they could see a pod of whales swimming alongside the iceberg, gazing at them with hooded black eyes. Harley gave them a little wave and one of the whales waved its flipper back.

"Look, we're passing them. Average whale goes at about…" Wally scratched his head. "Five knots an hour, we could easily be going four times that. Told you this iceberg was artificially powered."

Harley looked at him with newfound appreciation. "You know, you're really not as dumb as you look."

"I get that _all_ the time."

Harley unzipped her catsuit, reached between her breasts, and took out a ring to hand to Wally.

"I get that a lot too."

"Batgirl said to give it to you," Harley said. "She said it's a spare costume… I didn't know your alter ego was the Nudist."

Wally twisted the Flash emblem on the ring, opening it up. A miniaturized costume shot out and expanded to full-size. Wally grabbed it and began to hurriedly pull it on over his upper body. He noticed Harley scrutinizing him.

"You mind?"

Harley turned around, and when she turned back around Wally was dressed as the Flash once more, pulling his cowl on. Harley left her catsuit partially unzipped.

"I think we should huddle together for warmth."

"That, or we could _not_ slowly freeze to death."

"Well, if you've _got_ to slowly freeze to death…" Harley reasoned.

"We need to think of a way to get out of here. And not just because my Tivo is going to run out of space soon if I don't actually watch one of the two billion Degrassi episodes on the hard drive. We've got to get out of here _for _ _America_," Flash said as he chopped his open palm. "Now, let's see, what do we have to work with? One gymnast, one temporarily depowered speedster…" He stooped and picked up the gun he'd taken from the guard. "A gun with…"

Harley took it from him, expertly removed the clip, then slammed it back home. "No ammo. But this model comes with a grenade launcher under the barrel. See?"

"Thank you," Wally said when she handed it back to him. "And…" He looked around, They were still at the bottom of a massive pit, with the walls too steep and slippery to climb. "Maybe if we use the grenade to blow up the wall, we could swim out… if the water didn't freeze us solid in a few moments."

"My costume's insulated. How 'bout yours?"

Flash shook his head. "I don't think insulation will make any difference. When that wall blows, the water is gonna flood in and hit us like a blast from Captain Cold's cold-gun."

"Would that be anything like Mr. Freeze's freeze-gun?"

Wally rolled his eyes. "Uh, shyeah?"

"Sheesh, I was just trying to help."

Apologetically, Wally took hold of her cat-eared cowl and pulled it over her scalp. "Most of your body heat escapes through your head. That'll help."

"Thanks." She cinched her hands behind her back and preened girlishly. "You're always looking out for me."

"My job," Wally said modestly.

"Even so… it's nice. No one's ever really cared before."

Wally was feeling out the walls as if he might find a secret passage carved in the transparent ice. "Well, ya know… you'll find someone. Just… don't look for dating material in the local prison population."

"What about the Watchtower?"

Wally screwed up his lips. "What was that?"

"Nothing."

"I may not be smart, but I'm not dumb. I'm pretty sure you've been dropping these little hints about…"

"Hey!" Harley said, suddenly jumping up. "What if we blew up the floor?"

Wally was confused. "Then what would we stand on?"

"Nothing! Luckily for us, 90 of icebergs are underwater… thus, the equalizing pressure will shoot us straight up! Like a cork from a bottle!"

"Yes! Harley, I could kiss you!"

Harley pouted as Wally aimed the gun at the floor.

"Okay, stand back…" He tensed. "How do I shoot the grenade?"

"Press the little red button on the side."

"You mean this one?"

FWOOMP! 

A small metallic cylinder shot out of the rifle and lodged itself in the ice at Wally's feet. Wally had only a moment to stare at it before Harley jerked him back. An explosion shot up and down, spraying ice and seawater about, then a geyser erupted under their feet.

* * *

In the command center of the iceberg ship, Talia was checking the radar. No sign of pursuit. As far as the authorities were concerned, they were just another iceberg. And it was. One that just so happened to be the grave of the false Batman and his annoying…

"Mistress Talia!" a henchman shouted, running into the control room. "We've sprung a leak!"

"Dispatch icethrowers to freeze it shut!"

"I have, mistress! They aren't reporting in!"

Talia scowled. "They must not be allowed to compromise our precious cargo! Issue a red alert!"

"No need for that," a familiar voice said behind her. Talia turned to find herself staring down the barrel of a freeze-ray. "We're putting your operation on ice."

"Flash!"

"None other!" Flash said, high-fiving Harley, who was also armed with a freeze-ray.

"Oh, and we borrowed your men's freeze-rays. They won't be needing it…" Harley somehow managed to cock her freeze-ray, "in _La-La_ _Land__!"_

"Not really intimidating, Harley."

"I know," Harley said in the same Clint Eastwood deadpan.

Talia coolly stared down the Flash. "Well. You're quite resourceful. I suppose you're not worried about me scuttling the ship and introducing millions of tons of toxic chemicals into the ocean?"

"Not really, no."

"Computer, activate self-destruct sequence."

"Self-destruct sequence activated," the computer said soothingly. "You had ten minutes to reach minimum safe distance."

Talia smiled smugly. "Just another drop in the bucket. Soon, your Justice League will be no more and my father's utopia will be realized."

"…no, really, Batman dated you?" Flash shook his head. "That man will leave his DNA anywhere. How do we shut it off?"

"You don't. The sequence is irreversible. Now I think you're feeling somewhat stupid."

Harley blasted her, freezing Talia solid. "Now I think you're feeling somewhat frozen… bitch."

Flash was shocked and appalled. "Harley, that was… ahh, who cares?" He aimed at the minion. "You, get Talia-sicle to one of the lifeboats or escape pods or whatever you have. We'll stay here and save the day."

* * *

Batgirl was getting the kind of bored/anxious that only law enforcement personnel could get. Flash should be saved by now, yet here she was, hovering around in the Batcopter, having an awkward silence with her ex-boyfriend's girlfriend.

"So, if you were a tree, what kind of tree would you be?" Starfire asked.

Before Batgirl could think up an appropriately sarcastic answer, the radio rang. It was the Justice League frequency. Heart swelling, Batgirl grabbed the radio handset.

"Hello?"

"Hey honey, me and the boys are going to hit the bowling alley after work, so don't wait up."

"Huh?"

"Nothing," Flash said. "Listen, in a couple seconds Talia's men are going to abandon ship. You'd better call in the Coast Guard or the Navy or Charlie the Tuna to grab 'em up before they get to shore."

"Will do," Batgirl said, gesturing to Starfire to carry out his wishes. "What's going on?"

"Talia turned on the self-destruct. The entire ship is about go up, and that can't be good for the Lazarus stuff. I have an idea, but I need you to pick up Harley. I'll send her up to the roof."

"What about you?"

"Like I said, I have an idea."

* * *

Wally tapped his feet, pacing around the control room and slapping himself occasionally.

"C'mon, Speed Force, c'mon, come on…"

His walking brought him into Harley's view. She gave him a thumb's up.

"What're you still doing here?"

"I could ask you the same question!" Harley said.

"I'm trying to access the Speed Force, but it won't…" He clenched his teeth. "It's just the most frustrating…" Finally, he sat down. "Maybe if I meditate some…"

"Go Flash, go Flash, meditate, meditate, goooooo Flash!" Harley cheered.

"Not helping."

Flash crossed his legs and closed his eyes, his entire body tensing as he tried to relax. Harley checked her watch. They had five minutes left. Reluctantly, she sat down on the floor across from Flash, pulling her legs in with her hands and looking very shrunken, not her typical sprawl in any way.

"Listen, Flash, about the, uhh, little hints…"

"Relax," Wally said. "I completely understand."

"You do?" Harley said hopefully. Even _she_ didn't completely understand.

"Sure. You have a crush on the Batman and you want me to put in a good word for you. It's perfectly natural, he's pretty studly."

"No! No! That isn't it at all!"

"Wonder Woman? Because that would definitely be a trade-up from Poison Ivy and you know what they say about Amazons, wink wink, nudge nudge, casual looks and glances, say no more."

"Ooh! Forget it!" Harley said in a huff, standing back up. She stomped around the room in frustration, at herself and her less-than-useless partner, before running back to him. "So, have ya got it yet?"

"No. And you're not making it any easier by constantly interrupting me!" Wally snapped. "I'm sorry, that was… look, you really should go upstairs."

"You want me to **run!?**" Harley asked in a thick Austrian accent. **"Get to da choppah?"**

The tension broke for Wally and he even laughed a little bit. "Yeah. Go on, I'll be fine."

"I want to stay with you," Harley said, her voice dipping so low in volume that Wally almost didn't hear her.

Breaking out of her milliseconds-long funk, Harley sat down behind Wally and put her hands on his slender shoulders.

"What are you going?" Wally asked.

"Relaxing you." Her hands squeezed and throbbed. "Maybe if you stop trying to force it to happen, it'll happen on its own."

Her hands traveled over his back, surprised at how muscular he was for a guy so skinny. He was also full of knotted tension, no surprise given the pressure he was under. Still, there was nothing Poison Ivy had loved more than a good back massage after a hard day's robbery, so Harley knew exactly what to do. She pressed and caressed and tried her best to relax it, although Flash seemed determined to be on edge.

"Peas and rice, when's the last time you took a vacation?" she asked, working at the steel-like muscles (not a good thing).

"Can't really find time for it. What with the League going through so many changes and rounding up the Society of Supervillains and who knows _when_ Lex and Darkseid are gonna come back, and I'm one of the 'Original Seven' so everyone thinks I'm some kind of leader…" The words came spilling out of Wally as Harley went to work on his neck, slowly rolling his head in her hands. "Back when it was just the seven of us, I was the lowest guy on the totem pole and I _liked it _that way! No responsibility, I could just goof off and do my part. But now I've got to do all this stuff just to stay afloat and all of the others can handle it. I mean, Green Lantern's juggling two girls! Superman and Batman are… Superman and Batman. Wonder Woman used to be the rookie and she's still getting along better than me! It's like I'm the only one who… who…"

Wally slowly became aware that Harley was resting her chin on his shoulder, her chest pressed flat against his back, and her arms wrapped around his sides to terminate with her hands idly touching his chest, feeling out the muscles beneath his emblem.

He turned his head to regard her and nearly bumped into her. Like a fairy tale princess woken from a magical sleep, Harley raised her head.

"I know it doesn't mean much. But you're my favorite Leaguer. I mean, Batman's a crazy and Superman's a boy scout and Hawkgirl's a traitor and Wonder Woman's a self-righteous prig and Green Lantern's an uncreative drill sergeant and the Martian Manhunter's… green."

"He's actually a very pleasant shade of aquamarine," Wally mused. His lips were inches from Harley's.

"But you're… just… a regular guy. Ya know?"

"Harley, I'm feeling something."

"Oh, Flash…"

"It's the Speed Force!" Wally said, excitedly leaping up (and leaving Harley hanging with her lips puckered). "It's back! _I'm back!_"

"Shoot!" Harley swore.

Wally glanced at her.

"I mean, yay!"

Wally yanked her to her feet, then gave her a light, affectionate tap on the chin. "Get to the chopper. I'm sinking this ship."

* * *

"Where's Flash?" Batgirl asked as Harley clambered into the Batcopter, bitterly disappointed.

"In a state of denial."

"Huh?" Batgirl had the familiar, Gotham-y feeling that she was the only sane person in an asylum with spandex straitjackets.

Starfire leaned forward to explain. Although her grasp of most Earth matters was flaky at best, her Tamaranian nature made her uniquely qualified for matters of the heart. She'd almost been roped into hosting a talk show before Nightwing talked her into going with him back to Gotham. "Harley Quinn is upset because the Flash does not realize she is falling for him."

"I am not falling for him!" Harley yelled, quite upset.

"Ahso," Batgirl said. "So, Flash?"

"He's staying behind."

"Staying be--?"

Suddenly, a red blur with golden highlights shot out of the iceberg like a bullet. Despite her misgivings, Harley's face lit up like she'd just seen her own birthday cake.

"Run, Flash, run."

The blur peeled off to one side as it raced across the waves, circling the iceberg… doing a circuit. Harley checked her watch. Only two minutes left.

"Should've cut the massage short," she muttered to herself.

Starfire and Batgirl both gave her funny looks.

The Flash accelerated, revolving around the iceberg at faster and faster speeds, kicking up larger and larger squalls as he ran. Harley put her face and hands flat against the window to watch them, the glass against her mouth fogging up with each hurried breath.

"Go, go…"

As Flash ran at top speed, his motion started up a maelstrom. The waves he stirred deepened under the iceberg, opening up a whirlpool. Flash spiraled downward like the tip of a corkscrew, deepening the whirlpool, sucking the iceberg down like an asteroid into a black hole.

"He's taking it to the bottom of the ocean," Batgirl realized. "The immense pressure down there will crush it so the Lazarus cargo can't harm anyone!"

"Who are you, the narrator?"

Like the Titanic on the last leg of her voyage, the iceberg went belly-up. One end angled down toward the eye of the whirlpool, the other lifted up as if it were clutching at the sky before being sucked down. Harley watched it disappear like a rubber ducky circling the drain. Then the whirlpool settled, leaving calm waters and not an inkling there had ever been anything wrong.

"Where's Flash?" Harley asked.

Batgirl and Starfire shared a worried glance, then Batgirl checked the scanner. It showed nothing. Harley threw open the bay door to look around, scanning the blue-green waters for that distinctive dark red blur…

And she saw it, seeming to fade into view as it rose from the depths, then breaching the surface in a short burp of water. There he bobbed, alone in a field of ice nuggets chipped from Talia's ship and the relentlessly ebbing waves.

Without hesitation, Harley jumped. It wasn't that far down from the chopper to the water, and she'd been a swim team champion in high school. With perfect form she stabbed the surface, slipping under it and quickly locating the Flash from underwater. He was facedown, his eyes unblinking. With smooth, even strokes (despite her panic), Harley knifed through the water to him. She righted him, pulling his face from the water, and tried to see if she was still breathing. He wasn't.

Starfire flew down, helping her drag Flash onto a small platform of ice, just wide enough for both Harley and Flash to fit on. She hovered nearby, helplessly, as Harley pursed both hands over Flash's chest and began pumping. Harley's lips trembled and her eyes (though no one could tell through the film of seawater) grew wet with tears. Her arms continued to pump and pump and pump in grim counterpoint to the soothing balm of her earlier massage. Wally didn't react to it in the slightest. His jaw was slack, his eyes unfocused.

Harley grabbed his nose, preparing to breathe air into his lungs, and Wally suddenly sputtered. Coughing up water, he sat bolt upright before immediately falling on his side and curling up. Harley gave him a solid slap on the back, sending the last of the water out of his lungs.

No sooner had his coughing fit come to an end then Wally felt shockingly warm (compared to the sea) hands grabbing his cheeks and pulling him into a kiss that could've curled his toes if they weren't numb. A tongue was jammed into his mouth, warm and enthusiastic and then slowing down, romantically, passionately, until finally she withdrew.

Wally was so frazzled, boondoggled, and flabbergasted that he just said "I'm okay, I'm okay, I don't need any more resuscitation."

"Oh," Harley said. "Right," she said. "That's all it was. Totally just resuscitation."

There was another cough. This time from Starfire. Both Flash and Harley looked at her.

"What? You've never seen anybody resuscitated before?" Harley crowed, shaking a fist at the Tamaranian.


	13. Kiss of Life

The Batcopter flew along the Alaskan shoreline, towing the disabled motorboats of Talia's men behind it. Inside, Batgirl was piloting, Starfire was making "EEEEEE" sounds behind her hands, and Wally was with Harley in the back. Both of them had thick thermal blankets wrapped around them, which didn't at all stop their teeth from chattering. They weren't quite huddled together for warmth, being far too self-conscious for something so clichéd, but her left side was so firmly against his right side that they might've been welded that way. If this caused them to share warmth, so be it.

"What's she on about?" Wally asked of Kory's excited giggling.

"Peas and rice, I was giving him mouth to mouth!" Harley shouted.

"Mouth to something, alright…" Batgirl mumbled.

"Get your minds out of the gutters, both of you."

"Maybe you should get your mind in the gutter. More fun there."

Wally rolled his eyes at Starfire's suggestion. "Batgirl, call in the Justice League. Batman'll probably want a go at Talia." He paused. "That guttery enough for you?"

"Justice League's busy," Batgirl said, now concentrating on maneuvering through a sudden bout of turbulence.

Wally casually grabbed hold of Harley with one arm and a D-ring with the other, securing them. "The Justice League is sixty heroes strong. What, are they all at a bar mitzvah?"

"Hypercanes. Hurricanes on speed. They've sprung up in the middle of the Atlantic and Pacific, and are headed in-land. In nine hours, every coast in the world is going to be wiped off the map."

"Ra's," Wally said. "This must be his plan! Now that we've captured Talia, he's started it early. Call the Justice League, tell them I need one of the founding members to help me."

"Flash, there was no time to rescue you. What makes you think there's time for a hunch?"

Starfire's T-shaped belt buckle rang. She detached it and looked at the read-out on its underside. "The Titans have been assigned to the Gulf of Mexico. I'd better go. Best of luck to you all!"

Wally watched her open the door and flop out, rising a moment later with a green aura around her, then taking off to the south. He ran his hands over his face.

"Okay. Batgirl, drop me off in Keystone City, then take Harley somewhere safe."

"No way!" Harley said. "I'm staying with you!"

"I'm supposed to protect you! This is going to be dangerous!"

"You need someone to protect _you_! Your powers work for crap, you need someone who can handle herself in a fight without any fancy-crapsy superpowers!"

"Batgirl will help out, won't you Batsy?"

"Uh, no. Batman needs me in Gotham."

" Gotham's nowhere near the coast!"

"Yeah, but the news is causing crime sprees and rioting."

"Oh, what doesn't cause crime sprees and rioting in Gotham?"

"Hey!" Harley cried. "I'll have you know that we're only the second least livable city in the continental United States!"

"What's the first?"

" Detroit," everyone said at once.

"So it's settled. I'm going to see your hometown," Harley said happily. "Hey, maybe if there's enough time we could stop over and see your parents. Who knows, maybe they'd approve of me."

"Approve of you doing what?"

"Nothing."

* * *

As soon as the Batcopter touched down in Keystone, Flash felt the urge to jump down and kiss the ground. He settled for taking a deep breath. As strange as it sounded, Keystone had a flavor to its air that no other city could claim. He took another lungful of it. It felt good to be home.

Harley had a sneezing fit.

"You okay?"

"_Ah-ah-ah-_allergies-_CHOO_!"

"It is cedar season," Wally said as he offered a monogrammed handkerchief from his utility belt.

_"Ah-ah-_who's-MM?-_CHOO!" _

"You've got it upside-down."

Harley turned the handkerchief upside-down before blowing her nose in it. Wally clapped his hands at Batgirl in the idling Batcopter. She took something from the utility glove compartment and tossed it to Flash.

"_Ah-ah-_what's that?_-CHOO!" _

"Bat-anti-histamine." Wally handed it to her. Harley snorted it, her face screwing up as it took effect.

"Hey, thanks!"

"No prob."

The Batcopter took off, its rotors unsurprisingly forming a bat within their radius. Flash waved goodbye ironically; Harley waved goodbye unironically. Flash stopped her from blowing kisses.

"So, where're we headed?" Harley asked.

"A bar."

"Giant hurricanes are threatening the world! This is no time for drinking!" Harley thought about it, tapping her chin. "Actually, this is the perfect time for a drink."

"We're not drinking."

"I'll buy the first round."

"_We're not drinking_," Wally said firmly. "Yet. The bar is a hang-out for my rogue's gallery. You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy."

"Cool! Ooh, can we stop off at them all first?"

"Why would we need to stop off at the mall?"

"Well, I can't go to a villain bar in a catsuit! What if Catwoman's there? We'd be wearing the same thing!"

Flash rolled his eyes. "Ten minutes. If you're still not dressed after ten minutes in the mall, I'm dragging you out naked."

"Promise?"

* * *

**One movie montage later… (suggested music: The Cure – Friday, I'm In Love)**

"Two minute warning," Flash said outside the dressing room as Harley tried on shoes (she wasn't nude, but she hadn't had a pedicure in _forever_, so she insisted he wait outside). "Choose some shoes or you're going barefoot!"

"Foot fetishist." Harley pulled on some high-tops over her socks. "I'll take these."

"Groovy." Flash ninja-starred his JL expense account card to the salesman. "You look nice," he said when Harley came out of the dressing room. Harley had ended up in short-shorts and a Flash T-shirt. For a short girl, Wally had to admit she had a lot of leg.

She was tying her hair into pigtails when Flash's comment hit her. Harley stopped, bit her lip, and sniffled.

"What's wrong? You need more Bat-Anti-Histamine?"

"No, it's just…" Harley rubbed the tears from her eyes with balled fists. "Mistah J never told me how good I looked. No matter how much I dressed up."

"Well, that's…"

"Push-up bra, six-inch heels, French-cut panties…"

"Maybe—"

"Spinning bowtie, joy buzzer, Groucho Marx glasses…"

"Hey, listen!" Wally interrupted fiercely. "The Joker is a sociopath with delusions of grandeur and paranoid schizophrenia."

"Yeaaah," Harley said dreamily, resting her head in her hands.

Wally jerked her head up by a pigtail to talk directly into her upturned ear. "Mistah J's a jerk. You shouldn't care what he thinks! Besides, you're not his type anyway."

"Huh?"

"Haven't you noticed how obsessed he is with Batman?"

"That man-slut!"

"Who, the Joker or Batman?"

Harley stared at him like he was an idiot. "Batman. He's the one always leaving his DNA all over town!"

"I'll tell him that next time I see him. Come on, it's beer o'clock."


	14. Where Everybody Knows Your Name

**Where Everybody Knows Your Name / And They Always Cause You Pain...**

The bar was in the roughest area of town, surrounded by litter and graffiti and broken windows. But the bar itself was untouched. Harley and Wally watched as the Rainbow Raider stumbled out. He was slurring his way through a drinking song (a bottle of Coors clenched in one fist) and brandishing his car keys like a musketeer would a tiny, tiny sword.

"Hey, Roy, you really think you're good to drive?" Flash asked, concerned.

"Screw you, Flash, I'm not afraid of you. In fact, you're afraid of me!"

"Uh-_huh_," Flash said, making a _cuckoo_ gesture to Harley. She started to roll up her sleeves for a fight before realizing that he wasn't referring to her and that she didn't have any sleeves.

"Of course you're afraid," Roy slurred, now having traded his bottle for a ray-gun that he was also trying to drink from. "In fact, you're downright _yellow_!"

He pointed the ray-gun at Flash and pulled the trigger. Harley screamed in fright, but all that happened was Flash being painted an unattractive shade of yellow.

"Yes, yes, we're all very impressed. Would you like me to call you a cab? A Yellowcab? Would that make you happy?"

"You're jealous of my power, aren't you? I can tell you're _green_ with envy!"

Another flash of the ray-gun and Wally was a putrid green.

" Roy, you know how your wife hates it when you drink. Just because she's visiting her mom is no excuse."

"You'll remember this beating when you're old and _gray_!"

Yet another bright, prismatic light and the Flash was as gray as pencil leader.

"That's really immature, Roy," Flash said.

"Maybe you're just lazy!" Rainbow Raider challenged, before turning Flash black.

"Whoa, whoa, hold up! Harley, did you catch the connotation on that?"

"Oh yeah. Roy, you should be ashamed of yourself!"

"I've been on missions with GL, Vixen, Steel… you think _they're_ lazy?"

"That was way over the line, Roy," Harley agreed.

"You've committed more crimes than I could ever think up!"

"Yeah, but not _hate_ crimes."

"I say we forget this ever happened, just chalk it up to the booze," Wally said. "But Roy, I'm really disappointed in you."

"Come on, Flash, I'm no racist, I just… fine!" Roy threw his keys at Flash, who caught them. "You politically correct SOB!"

"Go join the Klan, before we turn your rainbow into a painbow, Don Imus!" Harley cursed.

"You guys suck," Roy said before passing out.

Stepping over Roy's disgustingly noisy body, Wally and Harley walked into the bar. It was packed full of strange men in spandex, who all stopped what they were doing to stare at Harley and her companion. It reminded Harley of her senior prom.

"I need a drink," Harley said, saddling up to the bar.

"I'm looking for Mark Mardon," Flash said. "I'm looking for the Weather Wizard."

"Nobody sees the Wizard, not no way, not no how!" Trickster said.

"You're wearing the suit yet again, James."

"No I'm not! Look!" The Trickster started to strip, before Captain Cold froze him solid.

"Talk about your blue balls," Flash said before the Captain turned his freeze-gun on him.

"We Rogues don't rat each other out. You'd better beat it before things get hot… or very much _not_."

"I'm not here to fight, I just want to talk to him."

Slowly, the Rogues began to press in on Flash.

"Don't crowd, boys, there's plenty of me to go around!" Harley gushed with inebriated friendliness. Rogues were around her on every side, holding out lighters or heat-guns for her unlit cigarette.

"Excuse me a moment," Wally said. He quickly slipped out of his circle of supervillains and into Harley's. "Hey, jerks, she's drunk. Who do you think you are, Batman's rogues? Act like gentlemen."

"Sorry, Flasher."

"Yeah, sorry."

"That's alright."

The Rogues left them alone, upon which Harley immediately collapsed into Wally's arms.

"I love you, man. I love you. Love you."

"Love you too." Flash looked up at the bartender. "How many drinks did she have?"

"One."

"It tasted funny," Harley said. "My love for you tastes like butterscotch."

"That's nice, Harl." Flash situated Harley on a barstool. "Watch her, will you?" he said to the bartender, then went back to Captain Cold. "Where were we?"

Captain Cold pointed his freeze-gun at Flash's face. "I was threatening you with an icy death."

"Are you sure? I thought we got past that?"

"I'm sure."

"Shucks."

"Any last requests?"

"Put the gun away and let me go?"

"Denied."

"_Shucks!_"

Suddenly, a peanut hit Cold in the head.

"Hey, Cap'n Crunch!" Harley shouted.

"Cold! Captain Cold!"

"Whatevah! Flash is just trying to stop a bunch of hypa—hypo—hydro—of big storms! And you're gonna kill him! For that? Dick move!"

Captain Cold took his finger off the trigger. "Is that true?"

"Yeah. I came for the hypercanes, you guys can just… go on not committing any crimes for the moment."

Reluctant, Cold lowered the gun.

"Thank you, Cold. You too, Harley."

"I love you, man!"

"Love you, too."

"Wizard's upstairs," Cold said.

Flash nodded and went up the stairs.

"I love your scent," Harley said after him. "I love your musk… we should get an apartment together and walk around with no clothe son all the time!" She pounded her empty beer on the bar for emphasis. "Someone hold my hair, I have to ralph."

Flash came downstairs a few minutes later, dragging a hastily-costumed Weather Wizard behind him. "I don't care how much lubricant you use, the weather wand doesn't go there."

He carefully stepped over a puddle of Harley's last meal. Harley herself was doing a one-woman stage show of Coyote Ugly on the bar. Wally doubted the Royal Shakespeare Company would be giving her a callback any time soon.

"Last call," he said, grabbing Harley by her feet and slinging her over his shoulder.

"Nice buns," Harley said, and she was in the best position to judge.

"You're just lucky I had Wendy's for lunch instead of Taco Bell."

Outside, Wally called a taxi. One stopped immediately (it being for Flash, after all) and Flash manhandled first Weather Wizard, and then Harley into the back. He took shotgun as Mardon tried to dislodge a persistent Harley from falling asleep on him.

"Technically, I'm not supposed to let passengers ride up front," said the cabbie, who was subversively a tall Nordic man, "but what the hey, you're the Flash!"

"See, Marky Mark, this is why it pays to be a good guy," Flash said to Weather Wizard. "This, and the salary the Justice League pays me. Which is six figures a year, plus expenses. Ca-ching."

"How do I get in on that?" the subversive cabbie asked.

"It helps if you're struck by magical lightning. Take us to Weather Wizard's secret lab, we've got a world to save."

"Is it Earth?" Harley asked.

"Yes."

"Good, that's my favorite world… next to Middle-Earth…"

"Geek."


	15. HEY, YOU, I don’t like your girlfriend!

**With special guest star Tina Fey as the voice of Linda Park!**

Harley was trying to get to sleep on Wally, who resented the effort to turn him into a bed. No matter how far he shoved her off, she managed to re-straddle him. He ended up wrapped like a nut in a bolt.

"Mr. Wizard, you know any trick to sober someone up fast?" Flash asked Mardon.

"When I was in Tibet, I learned a cure that involved mixing a quart of goat piss with a pint of yak milk… or maybe the other way around. It worked wonders."

"You've never been to Tibet."

"Yeah I have. I found spiritual enlightenment there."

"Spiritual enlightenment? I caught you last month stealing a high-end grill!"

"Even the spiritually enlightened need to eat. How do you think the Buddha got so fat."

"In my country," the cabbie piped up, although Wally suspected that "his country" was no more exotic than Canada, "we cured drunkenness by making black coffee, mixing in red peppers, then pouring it onto a bagel and making them eat that."

"It's a miracle!" Harley exclaimed. "I'm not drunk anymore! So you don't need to waste any yak milk or goat pee on me!"

"Praise Jesus," Flash said sardonically.

The taxi pulled to a stop in front of Weather Wizard's secret lab. Weather Wizard's secret lab was more properly his brother's very-un-secret lab. Mark had escaped from prison and gone to his brother for a hiding place, where he'd found him putting the finishing touches on a weather-manipulation device. The brother died of a heart attack soon after and the newly-christened Weather Wizard began a crime spree across Keystone City. Once Flash had tracked him to his lab and stopped him, the place became a local landmark. Residue from the battle still caused meteorological conditions inside.

Flash paid the fare after both Harley and Mardon passed the buck ("That's my grocery money," Mardon said. "Wizard needs food badly.") There was an Asian woman sitting on the steps to the lab, writing portentous narration down on a notepad. At the sight of Flash, she jumped up and waved cheerily.

"Who's she?" Harley asked, her jealousy at DEFCON 4.

"Linda Park. She's kinda my girl Friday."

"What about meeeee?" Harley wailed.

"You're my… girl Saturday," Wally answered, desperately trying to sell it with a smile.

Mardon smirked. "Keep doing that, you're gonna run outta days of the week."

"At least I have girl days. What do you have? Girl 6 PM?"

"That was hurtful, Flash. Real hurtful."

Flash sped to a stop in front of Linda and they did the little dance of people who are unsure whether to hug or kiss or _really _kiss. They ended up sexlessly kissing on the cheeks, LA style.

"That hussy!" Harley shrieked. "She's treating him like a sex object!"

"He doesn't seem to mind," Mardon observed.

Harley stuck her tongue out at him.

"Linda, what are you doing here?" Flash was asking.

"I bribe the Yellowcab dispatch. They pass along when a superhero gets into a taxi with a weather controller and a crazy person."

"Hey, I'm not crazy anymore! The asylum gave me a certificate and everything!" she patted her pockets.

"Flash, who is this?" Linda asked, knowing perfectly well who it was.

"I'm _Doctor_ Harleen Quinzel, the Flash's gal Saturday," Harley said smugly.

"What's a gal Saturday?"

"An awesome name for a girl band?" Wally suggested desperately.

"Flash, who is _this_?" Harley asked.

"She's Linda. Linda Park. A reporter for the Daily Star and my—" "I'm his girlfriend."

"Oh." Harley swayed on her feet, gobstopped. "Well, we should double date. With my boyfriend. He's from Canada and he's an astronaut."

"I didn't know Canada even had a space program."

"That's right. Canada has no space program." Harley winked repeatedly. "Excuse me, I have something in my eye." She continued to wink.

Linda stepped between her and Wally. "So what's the scoop, Flash?" She ran a finger over his lightning bolt. "Or would you prefer a more… intimate setting for this interview?"

"No he wouldn't!" Harley cried, throwing herself in front of Flash and spreading her arms as if to ward Linda off. "Flash hates emotional intimacy! He thinks crying is for wusses!"

"That's not the kind of intimacy I was talking about.

"Oh." Harley swayed harder. "Well, he doesn't like that either!"

"Trust me, he likes it just fine."

Harley's jaw dropped. Mardon, who was all but eating popcorn as he watched the trainwreck, helpfully closed it for her.

"Yeah? Well, Flash resuscitated me!"

"So? Flash resuscitates a lot of people. Even guys."

"How dare you! My Flash is all man!"

"Uh, I'm not your Flash," Flash said meekly.

Linda circled around Harley again, now putting herself skin to skin with Flash. She embraced him. "And how."

"Ladies, ladies, please! I can understand you fighting over me – let's face it, who wouldn't? – but are you really going to throw away the principles of feminism and sisterhood over some guy, even one as awesome as me?"

They thought about it: "Yes." "Oh, you would say that, skank."

Flash's shoulders slumped. "Can we get on with it, then? I'm bored of being the most rational person in the vicinity."

Mardon cleared his throat.

"You tried to steal a grill, Mark!"


	16. There Will Be No Cherry Jokes

The lab had been left almost exactly as the Weather Wizard had left it. All the machines had been disabled and most had had displays added to explain their function. Weather Wizard grumbled at how most of the displays looked like the Flash, cardboard standees with word balloons.

Flash zipped from machine to machine, restoring them to working order in mere moments. The effort exhausted him. When he stopped, Linda was ready with a glass of cool lemonade.

"Here, Flash, take a seat."

Harley was appalled at her foresight. "Here, Flash, let me give you a massage."

"No thanks, I've had one of those, it wasn't very relaxing."

He looked over Harley's shoulder to Weather Wizard. "So, Mardon, is that enough to track where the weather manipulation is coming from?"

Wizard cracked his fingers, like a maestro about to play. "Let me see…"

Flash took a deep swig of lemonade. Linda bent down at the waist to top him off and stayed in that Maxim pose as she leaned on his shoulder. "After you've saved the world, sweetie, how about I fix you a home-cooked meal? Both my parents are chefs and they taught me everything I know about seafood?" We can have dinner, dessert… and then, _dessert_."

Wally raised an eyebrow. Harley leaned on his other shoulder. "I have a coupon for Red Lobster. We can have dinner half-off. Then we can have dessert… and some more dessert… and some more…"

Linda harrumphed. "My dessert is pie. You'd like my pie, wouldn't you, Flash?"

"Yeah, Eskimo pie," Harley snorted. "My dessert will have whipped cream."

"Why would Flash want your pie when you've let so many people nibble on it?"

"My dessert is a milkshake. It brings all the boys to the yard."

"I suppose it's better than mine?"

"Damn right!"

"My point stands. Everyone from the Joker to Poison Ivy has drunk your milkshake."

"Why would I bother with any of them when I can have Flash's straw?" Harley started poking Linda in the chest, which Wally was very easily able to observe. "He… drinks… my… MILKSHAKE!"

Linda poked Harley back. "Like warm… apple… pie!"

"Maybe Flash would prefer some strudel?" Weather Wizard piped up.

Wally shivered so hard that Harley and Linda both slid off him.

"Sometimes Red and I would have strudel. You just strap it on like a belt and…"

"Mardon, any luck tracing the signal?" Linda said quickly.

"I can locate it, but I can't block it. You'll have to go there and deactivate it by hand."

"And by deactivate, you mean blow up, right?" Flash clarified.

"Yup."

"Cool beans." He touched his earpiece. "Flash to Watchtower, I need beam-out for four, and a strike team put together. I found what's causing the hypercanes."

The line went dead as, Flash imagined, a brief discussion occurred on the other end. Then, the Martian Manhunter came on the line. "Flash, is this correct?"

"I wouldn't joke about this, Eminem."

"…you just did."

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean anything by it. You know you're my favorite Martian."

"I sense sincerity in you… as well as a fair amount of fantasizing about—"

"Star Wars!" Flash said quickly. "X-Wings… TIE Fighters… I should dig X-Wing Alliance out of the CD rack and give it a replay once I'm done saving the world and stuff."

"Yes, as soon as you're done we should use your joystick," Harley said seriously.

J'onn cleared his throat. "Alright. I'll see who we can spare."

"Right, and hurry it along, yah?" Flash looked between Harley and Linda. "I'd like to be home in time for dessert."

"You should watch your weight, eat healthy," J'onn replied. "Try a tossed salad."


	17. Dastardly Scheme

Flash tested the chain holding him

Flash tested the chain holding him. His enemies had discovered his secret vulnerability: being tied up. Beside him, Harley merrily jaunted on the manacles she was hanging from.

"Weee!"

"Would you stop!? We're in mortal peril here! Even you can't think that's funny."

Harley strained at her bonds to lean over and nuzzle him. "Awww. I'll admit, this is not the mix of you and handcuffs I had in mind, but…"

Wally groaned and looked around. Ra's command center was built in the keep of his old castle. Crossed swords dotted the stone walls, reflecting the lights cast by the computer monitors. There were so many of the swords that Wally thought the style could be described as Late Pointy.

Ra's Al Ghul entered the High-Tech Makeover: Medieval Edition. He was bare-chested, with a majestic green cloak cinched at his throat with a gold clasp and trousers belted by a samurai knot. At his side walked Poison Ivy, regrettably much less bare-chested, with a costume that was half chemise and half weeping willow.

"Flash," Ra's intoned.

"Harl," Ivy said, pleased.

"Red!" Harley cried.

"Brad, Janet, Dr. Scott!" Flash shouted. "So, Ra's and Poison Ivy working together. This explains… nothing at all. Someone care to exposit? Because Lazarus Pit or not, dude's a bazillion years old. All the Viagra in the world…"

"Be quiet, you mammalian oaf!" Ivy snapped. "Ra's and I have a lot in common. A hatred of Batman, an affinity for forest colors, and a strong desire to see the Earth purged of the infection known as man."

"Man, those eHarmony guys really are good at matching people up."

Ra's was glancing at the huge screen tracking the hypercanes like an impatient man checking his watch. "Will we be halting every fsix sentences so you can make an insipid remark?"

"Better make it every five sentences, just to be on the safe side."

"He gets chatty," Harley added.

Ivy strolled forward to vine her arms around Wally's head, lazily scratching her nails into the back of his neck. "After Ra's' hypercanes wipe humanity from the globe, Mother Earth will repair the damage inflicted upon her. In time, Ra's' followers will repopulate this Eden, living in harmony with nature. There'll be no more war, or disease, or poverty, or sexist comic books. The world will be saved in a way you superheroes couldn't possibly imagine." She paused.

"You've been watching that inconvenient truth movie a lot, haven't you?"

Ivy wiggled her hand laterally to demonstrate the middling nature of Flash's joke, then gestured to Ra's. He was standing by a large machine, three stories tall and taking up the "bailey" of the keep. Flash couldn't make heads or tails of it, but it was dark and malignant as a mechanized tumor.

"The real stroke of genius was the hypercane generator. It's powered by the Speed Force, the same energy field that once gave you and your 'Justice League' incredible speed. Superman and the others aren't as reliant upon it as you. They haven't noticed until now, in their hour of need. With their speed stolen, they'll be no one to stop the return to nature."

"There's me," Flash said.

Ivy laughed. Its delicacy belied how truly cold it was. "Flash, honey, you won't be stopping anything." She bent at the knees to place a kiss on the hard plains of his stomach. "Not after we're done playing."

"One thing I don't get, Treebeard. Why go to all that trouble to capture Harley?"

"Isn't it obvious?" Ivy reached over to stroke Harley's cheek. "It wouldn't be a paradise without my Harley."

"You mean…" Flash gulped. "You're… Brazilian?"

Harley and Ivy nodded.

Flash gave Ra's a hateful glare. "You monster, you turned her gay!"

"But if you're doing this for me how come I'm tied up?" Harley asked.

Ivy smiled. "Not in front of the Demon's Head, dear."

It wasn't one of Flash's finest moments. The only two Leaguers who'd ended up being available were Scott Free and Big Barda, two escapees from the cosmic dictatorship of Apokolips. They'd been indisposed when the call had come in and only recently finished whatever it was they were doing. From their wild hair, flushed skin, and (in Scott's case) dopey grin, Harley had a pretty good idea what they'd been doing.

"Jenga," Harley had said.

With no other reinforcements, Flash had taken Harley along. The New Gods had created a diversion while Flash and Harley snuck into the castle. Unfortunately, the backdoor was booby-trapped with sleep pollen. Not expecting Ivy to be part of the defenses, the intruders were swiftly captured.

Ra's got in Flash's face for the requisite gloating while Harley looked at Ivy and said, contritely, "Uhh, red, there's something you should know…"

"You," Ra's said contemptuously, practically spitting in Flash's face. "You're the one who's been foiling my plans, capturing my operatives, denying me my victory! YOU!"

"I know," Flash said. "Confounding, isn't it? So, come on, torture me for information. I'm ready, I can take it, I won't crack no matter what you do to me!"

"You don't know anything of value to me. Guards." The guards racked their weapons. "Dispose of him."

"You mean let me go, right?" Flash said as Ra's stepped out of the line of fire. "He meant let me go! You all heard him! When someone says 'dispose of the garbage,' do you shoot it!? NO!! You take it out to the curb and let it go on its merry way."

"Any last requests?" Ra's asked.

"DON'T FREAKING SHOOT ME!"

"Denied. Ready… aim…"

"**WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU'VE MET SOMEONE!!**" Ivy shouted at the top of her lungs.

Ra's, the guards, and Flash all turned. Ivy's entire body was overflowing with anger, huge vines whipping around her. Harley backed off apologetically.

"It's this constant rage! First you want to destroy the world, then you yell at me just now… maybe we should just be friends."

"Friends? FRIENDS! _**FRIENDS!?"**_

Harley had backed into Flash. She turned to him quickly. "Can I crash at your place for a while?"

"Well, my place is about to be destroyed by giant killer hurricanes, but yeah."

Ivy was staring daggers at Flash. Big, treeish daggers. "You girl-stealing hussy!"

Cracks spreading through the ceiling of the room were the only warning they got as a massive tree root crashed down, breaking the D-rings that held Flash's manacles to the roof. Flash sped out of the way as Venus Flytrap tentacles snapped at him.

"Turn the machine up to full power!" Ra's ordered.

In an instant, Wally was on his knees, panting with exhaustion. The vines surrounded him. So did Ra's's men. Harley ran to his side, calling his name.

"Stand aside!" Ivy commanded, nearly boiling over with anger.

Flash looked into Harley's eyes. "I'm sorry."

"For what?"

He grabbed her by her jester's cap and kissed her.

Usually, being kissed made her brain go into overdrive, a conveyor-belt of non-sequiturs that made her usual zany schemes look well-thought out. But this time, her focus was entirely on the heat that all of a sudden made her clothes feel much, much too constricting.

She rather liked the peace and quiet.

Poison Ivy went Mount St. Helen. Plants exploded through the floor and walls, one redwood-thick vine bumping into the hypercane machine and knocking it over. Ra's screamed as it exploded, the shockwave flattening everyone. When the smoke cleared, Flash was standing, his mask back on and Harley fawning at his leg like the love interest in a poster for a barbarian movie. Then, self-consciously, she stopped fawning and did her best to look nonchalant.

"Booyah," Flash said.

"You've got a little something," Harley said.

Flash wiped some black lipstick from his mouth.

"As I was saying… booyah!"


	18. Happy Endings

"And then I went to town on them!" Flash said, shadow-boxing his vivid recollection. "Funky town!"

"Tell me you didn't breakdance-fight the Demon's Head," Batman half-begged.

"Screw you, it's funny."

Batman looked around the wreckage of the castle, where the world authorities were frog-marching Ra's's men into paddy wagons. Poison Ivy got her own Justice League prison transport. Harley was wishing her a tearful goodbye through the bulletproof window in the back. "I'll write everyday! And I'll send you muffins, you love muffins! I'll miss you!" She pressed her breast against the glass. "You're part of my heart!"

Batman shook his head. "As loathe as I am to admit it, your methods bore fruit." 

"Well, my methods wouldn't have been half as fruity without a very special lady."

Barda saluted. "It was a privilege and an honor!"

"I meant Harley Quinn. But you were good too, Barda."

"What was I?" Scott asked. "Space ravioli?"

"No! You were awesome!" Flash barked. "But the point is, Harley made a real asset of herself."

"I'm two letters away from agreeing with you," Batman said.

"I couldn't have done it without her. Maybe you should tell her she did a good job." Batman's narrowed eyes showed how unlikely an occurrence this was. "Hearty pat on the back? Friendly grunt?"

Batman grunted unfriendily. "The courts will be lenient. She might get probation, house arrest."

"That's good. She's not broken, just a little dirty. All she needs is someone to dust her off a little, give her a good shine."

"Did you just compare the Joker's girlfriend to a penny?"

"I was thinking more of a glitchy DVD."

Batman left very quickly.

Barda watched him go. "Can we get back to our game now?"

"It's probably fallen over by now."

"Not the way I stack it."

"Fine. If it's fallen over, you take me shopping."

"I don't know why you always need my input. I can't even tell your vests apart. It's all Kevlar to me."

Wally left them to their squabbling, which seemed to involve a great deal of inappropriate touching and long-term eye contact. Harley was crying as Ivy's shuttle disappeared into the horizon. Wally ripped a strip off one of Ra's's tapestries and handed it to Harley as a tissue. She blew a high note on it. Wally demurred when she offered it back.

"I'm gonna miss her."

"She tried to destroy the world."

"Yeah. People just don't make romantic gestures anymore."

Wally blew into her ear, breaking Harley out of her lovelorn reverie. "Come on, I'll run you home."

"Can we stop for ice cream?"

"Babe, you read my mind."

* * *

After losing the third scoop of Harley's triple-decker ice cream cone in the slipstream fourteen times (Wally always caught it), they arrived at Harley's temporary living quarters. It was a trailer in the middle of a desert, air conditioners going full blast. When Harley opened the door, she got a taste of Arctic winter right in the face. Wally rubbed some warmth into her body as they walked around to sit in the trailer's shade, the only temperate zone for twenty miles. Harley finished scoops one through three and gave the cone to Wally.

"It's only for a little while," he was saying. "Feds will put you into the witness protection program, give you a much better place."

A stray lick of hair had escaped her jester's cap. He brushed it out of her face. "Maybe you can even go back to college and get your doctorate."

"Who'd want to be psychoanalyzed by Harley Quinn?"

Wally laid his head down on her lap in imitation of a psychiatrist's couch. "Curiosity seekers. Adrenaline junkies." He gave her thigh a friendly headbutt. "You won't be Harley anymore. Uncle Sam will give you a new name. No, not the Freedom Fighter guy."

"Shucks. Well, I suppose it'd be nice to not be named Harleen Quinzel. Name your kid that, be surprised when they end up a sidekick to a psychotic clown."

"I think Harleen's a pretty name."

"I think Flash is a pretty name too."

"It's more of a job title."

"It's a pretty job title."

"All the girls I've met think Doctor would be prettier."

Harley stroked his chest. "All the doctors I've met her surnames like Psycho."

"Stop, that tickles!" Flash laughed. Harley's hand had moved to his belly. He turned serious. "I should go."

"No. Stay."

"If I stay… stuff could happen."

She grinned ferally. "I like stuff."

"The League doesn't."

"Stuff the League."

"You present a compelling argument." He leapt to his feet. "No, no, I've got to go. Dating supervillains never ends well."

"But I'm not a supervillain anymore." She held out her hand.

"…true…" He helped her up.

"At least let me thank you."

"You're welcome."

"No, I mean…" She suddenly had her legs wrapped around his waist. "Thank you."

"You're… welcome."

Harley did something that Wally was very sure wasn't in the Justice League Manuel under superhero-supervillain etiquette.

"You're _very_ welcome."


	19. Zestfully Clean

Wally stood under the shower, feeling like a great weight had been lifted from his shoulders, then called to its family, the weights on his knees and knuckles and head and feet and everywhere, which had also leapt off him and gone to the beach or wherever. The bruises from his adventures, which were rapidly fading anyway, no longer ached or throbbed. He had transcended them.

He'd left Harley asleep in her room… at least, he thought she'd fall asleep, maybe she was watching TV, and made a beeline for the shower. He could still smell her perfume, a fruit scent so strong it could've been a flavor of children's chewing gum, but it wasn't coming from him. Climbing out of the shower, Wally looked himself over in the mirror. His lips still throbbed dully, the only part of him that was really registering any feeling (besides the weird zestiness pumping through him), but they looked the same as ever. He brushed his teeth and shaved, combed his hair (which he never did), and clipped his nails. He felt different. He saw different.

There was a hickey on his neck.

He stared at it in the mirror. When was the last time he'd had a _hickey? _College? He massaged the small bruise, feeling it tinge under his fingertips. After a long moment of indecision, Wally opened up a drawer under his sink and grabbed the make-up kit that was JL standard issue. The make-up could be used to hide scars and such so you could preserve your secret identity. This kinda counted.

When he was satisfied it was covered, Wally pulled on a T-shirt and jeans, then popped his collar to further cover the love-bite. He walked into Harley's room, careful not to make any excess noise. Harley was asleep on her stomach, her pajamas askew and her bedsheets ruffled. Her bottoms were hanging off her hip low enough for him to see the curve of her buttocks. He tried not to look as he adjusted her bedsheet. Harley groaned pleasurably.

"Hey, you."

"Hey," Wally said, for lack of anything better to say.

Harley leaned in to smell his hair. "Shower-fresh. Mmm." She rolled over, patting the vacated side of the bed. "Room for one more."

"No, I've got…" Wally bit his tongue. "Things."

"Okay. Give me a kiss."

Wally tried to, and somehow on the way down it turned from a peck on the check to a slow, intense one on the lips. When he stood up, Harley was nestled against her pillow.


End file.
